Cathy in the Wright

2003-06-12T08:53:00.000-05:00

Today is THE day!!!!

I'm outta here! Henceforth you will find me posting at www.crazyweiler.com. Head on over. Today's my official grand opening. We're giving away hot dogs and balloons and there's a huge inflatable gorilla on the roof.

Adjust your bookmarks now! (I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to say those words.)

This place will still be up as an off-site storage for my archives; I can't figure out how to move them to the new place.

Don't forget to turn off the lights on your way out...

Cathy

2003-06-11T17:33:00.000-05:00

I wish I had a fast-forward button for today. I've got to get the people at TiVO working on that. If they can pause live TV...they should be able to do something about horsesh*t days like this one.

So what's wrong? Glad you asked.

It actually started last night at my soccer game. The ref was horrible. Really bad. Even my teammate Kevin, who is the most mild-mannered guy you could meet on the field, had a few words for this halfwit. And it was cold. And there were still lots of mosquitoes.

Today, the VP brings home paperwork from the insurance agent which shows our company's health insurance premiums are going up 35%. Yep. That would pretty much wipe out some important things...like profits and a couple of jobs. We may have some layoffs for the first time in a long, long time over this one. The agent is going to shop around, but it's never going to come back as good news.

And, The Governor REFUSES to take a nap.

And, the roofers are pounding away overhead. This may be contributing to the fact that The Governor REFUSES to take a nap. It is also causing The Crazyweiler to be a nervous, drooling wreck. He's pacing and drooling and panting and drooling and following me around like my shadow...if my shadow could drool, that is. I've slipped in a couple of puddles in the kitchen.

The roofers (a bunch of 15 year olds from the looks of them) are also leaving a wide trail of tar paper, shingles, nails and other debris all over the yard and driveway. The VP and I are having a contest to see who gets a flat tire first. Or who has to take a dog to the vet to get the nail removed from a paw. Or one of the boys to the ER for the same reason.

And finally, I saw the obituary in our local paper for my favorite nursing home resident. (See yesterday's post) Seeing it made me feel sad all over again.

Well, I've got a headache and I'm sad. I think I'll go find myair nailer and start firing back at the roofers. Someone has to defend the place from further destruction. Hey...I'm feeling better already.

2003-06-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

I have dealt with sickness and injury. I have dealt with gaping head wounds. I have dealt with a child (and his bed, carpet, and wall) covered with vomit at 3 in the morning. I have changed diapers that would make a coroner gag. But yesterday, I had to deal with something that nearly made me toss my cookies.

The Crazyweiler likes to eat grass. And because we don't mow every inch of pasture out here...sometimes he eats long grass. Sometimes that loooong grass doesn't quite make it out the back end with the entire deposit, if you know what I mean. So The Crazyweiler was walking around with a "tail" yesterday and it was driving him nuts. I tried to give him some time to let it work its own way out, but it wasn't happening. I had to remove it for him.

I still have the willies thinking about it.

Today was nursing home day. It started out on a horrible note. I found out one of my favorite residents passed away. The funeral is today. The staff made a large board of pictures and memories to display at the service. One of the largest photos is Hoocher snuggling with Mr. P. in his recliner. Sigh. Nicest man to grace that place.

The day didn't get much better. In the Alzheimer's unit, a newer guest has decided that Hoocher is a filthy varmint and started yelling that dogs were not allowed in here and he was going to report us. There are a couple of people throughout the nursing home who don't like dogs, and I make a point of staying as far from them as possible. Not so easy in this unit; they only have one central area to socialize. I ignored him and talked to other residents, but he got so bad that a staff member had to tell him to pipe down. They try really hard NOT to do that. Finally, he was yelling so much about "reporting" us that the staff member said, "You do that." She turned around and walked away. He was a bit stunned. I wanted to see what his next move would be, but I left instead. I decided I better not aggravate the situation any further.

I wanted to, though.

Well, the new site is pretty much up and working. I'd really like to get a Site Meter installed before everyone starts visiting, but hey...if you want to see my rough efforts...head on over. You can see an honest to goodness Crazyweiler. I think I'm going to save my grand opening for Thursday...when Arguing with Signposts will make me famous. (You'll just have to wait and see.)

2003-06-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

This one is for Aunt Karen in Alaska, because I hear you just looooooooooooooove Sen. Kennedy!

Curmudgeonly & Skeptical is one of my favorite sites. I don't mention him often in everyday posting, but I visit his site frequently as he always finds great pictures and quotes. And the pictures where he adds his own editorial touch are the best of all.

2003-06-09T08:32:00.000-05:00

Are you have a great Monday yet? I am. We're having our roof replaced, and one young man on the crew showed up at 7:30 a.m. and I'm standing at the kitchen windows still in my pajamas and my hair sticking out all over the place. He drove away

But what's REALLY making my morning spectacular...is I'M MOVING OFF BLOG*SPOT!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

There are two people who have my unconditional gratitude for helping me make this change: Bryan at Arguing with Signposts...for encouraging emails and for leading me to Dean Esmay at Dean's World. Dean is the altruistic wonder who offered to help anyone on Blog*Spot move to an independent site with Moveable Type. Thank you both very much!

The new site is up and working, but it looks a little stark right now so I'm not directing anyone there yet. I just figured out where to install my links, so I'm working on that at the moment. I've figured out how to post on the new site, but I don't know how to put up pictures. My first photo...once I figure out how to get it on there, will be an actual picture of a Crazyweiler. I might even put it on my header...but I have even less of an idea on how to do that. I've been reading the on-line MT manual. All I can say is they need to publish a second version...something like MT for Dummies. I have no other programming experience except for a tiny bit of HTML on Blogger here. It's not quite enough to do a decent job on the new site. What I would really love is to find someone local who could sit down with me and help me learn MT. The prospect of finding someone in Wright County familiar with MT is less promising than finding someone out here well versed in Eqyptian hieroglyphics.

Oh well...I'll get there.

Time to go. The Governor is protesting his incarceration in the crib.

2003-06-08T14:09:00.000-05:00

A very, very Happy Birthday to my newphew, J! Hope you have an awesome day!

Much love,
Your favorite Aunt,
Cathy

(That was a deliberate attempt to provoke your other aunts into proving that they are your favorite. Usually means bigger, better gifts. I'm always looking out for ya, kid!)

2003-06-07T20:05:00.000-05:00

I went to The Dixie Chicks concert in St. Paul last night. Here are my thoughts:

Of all the concerts I’ve attended, these gals did the best job of sounding just like their CDs. When they started I was going to accuse them of lip-synching. They sounded that true to their CDs.

Joan Osborne (opening act) was terrific. I didn’t think I’d like her. I did.

The two sisters, Emily Robison and Martie Maquire, were the most gracious, pleasant, and beautiful women I’ve seen on a stage. And talented too.

Natalie Maines is a lot thinner than she used to be. I think the spoofs of the Entertainment Weekly cover were unwarranted. Quite funny, but unfair.

I think they may need to find a new name for their band. While Maquire and Robison are still “chicks,”…Natalie looked more like a rooster with a very odd, punk-like hair-do and awkward head-bobbing which I think was supposed to demonstrate some sort of…rhythm. Time for some dance lessons.

And while I’m picking on Natalie, I need to add that the shirt she was wearing must have come from the Just for Her section of the Wife-Beater T’s, Inc. catalog.

I was hoping we would be spared an explanation or a revival of Natalie’s famous gaffe. Not so lucky. Last night we were told that it only brought clarity to the meaning of all the words in their song, “Truth No. 2.” And we got to watch a video of some old black and white protest marches and book burnings, followed by some latter day equivalents. The point being, I guess, that we can’t handle the truth from Natalie. (Note: in the video we were shown several shots of a pro-choice rally; I didn’t see any footage of the Right to Life crowd. Apparently, that viewpoint is not a “truth” according to the Chicks.)

Overall…it was a great show. What made it especially fun for me was talking to the family sitting right in front of us. They all had similar shirts with a common theme: We support our troops and President Bush. So I had to ask. (The two women right in front of me sported “We put a boot up their ass...” on the front and “cause it’s the American way” on the back) Turns out they have a family member over in Iraq. He is Cpl. Sean Drew. Sean’s mom had his name and an American Flag on the back of her shirt. (All the shirts were custom-made.) I asked one of the women (Sean’s sister) how she felt about Natalie’s comments. She indicated she was disappointed, but was going to try and enjoy the show. And they did. They danced and they sang, and they sat quietly during “Truth No. 2.” They were so dignified about their opposition and didn’t let it overshadow their enjoyment of the rest of the evening. If it’s possible to be proud of complete strangers…I was proud of them.

Sean’s sister also mentioned that Sean had called home a couple of times and had been a bit concerned about the reaction of people back in the States. Were people back home disrespectful of the troops?

Well, Sean, in case you get a chance to read this (your sister has my web address)…THANK YOU! Thank you for serving your country and thank you for putting your life at risk for all of us. If you ever do encounter an ignorant loud-mouth who has the nerve to say anything disrespectful, please remember that for every moron like that, there are dozens of us who think the troops are HEROS! And when you get back home and make it out to Winsted, you email me (address in upper left corner) and my family and I will meet you at the Blue Note Ballroom and buy you a beer!

I think I had several other witty things to say about the concert, but they have been lost, along with my hearing.

Have a great weekend.

2003-06-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

Light posting today...just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten you.

I've had a couple of busy days. Last night was my final council meeting for the Early Childhood Center at school. We held a potluck at a local park to honor the departing members. The director stood up on a picnic table and asked us all to sing "Johnny Appleseed" to show our thankfulness. I kid you not. She looked right at me and said, "I know this song is sung in the first grade classes, so it should be okay for us to sing it." The inference being that it starts with "Oh the Lord is good to me..." and I might object because I'm one of those city transplants and probably a spy for the ACLU. If she only knew. I actually did object to singing it - because we were all adults and not 7 year olds and I think it's a corny song.

After the meeting I had a late soccer game. This is another co-ed team and I hadn't seen some of these teammates in a while, so that was fun. What was NOT fun was playing a group of guys (and their three token women) who were trying desperately to make the Russian national team. ~~Guys!~~ Comrades! It's recreational!

And the mosquitos could have been dreamed up by Alfred Hitchcock.

I'm at my sister's house right now. We're heading out to the Dixie Chicks concert tonight. I told my teammates last night that I was going to wear my "I'm proud of George W. Bush!" t-shirt and my Coleman for Senate baseball hat. That should stir the pot a bit. It is quite possible that I may be the only conservative in the Excel Center. Our local paper noted that the Chicks are here in Minnesota for two concerts while holding only one in Dallas. Go figure.

I'll post briefly about the concert tomorrow. And remind me to tell you about how The Crazyweiler HATES roofing shingles.

2003-06-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

I was talking to my sister-in-law this morning, and she mentioned that her sister reads Cathy in the Wright and wondered if it was really true when I write about The Senator getting up in the middle of the night to tell me things like, "Mom, I didn't spill too much water in my bed. You don't need to change the sheets." (Last night's 11:56 p.m. bulletin)

Making this up? Ooooh, Paula, my dear...JUST YOU WAIT! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha! When you and your soon-to-be hubby have your first child you'll realize that parents don't have to make this stuff up...it just comes to kids naturally. And I'll be laughing my head off when you tell me about how little Junior took a bath and finger-painted all over the side of the tub with the undigestable remnants of last night's dinner.

Speaking of things excremental...Hillary Rodham Clinton's book took a beating today on Rush Limbaugh's show. As it should. I don't always tune in for Rush's show...sometimes it's just too much Rush. But today, when he was talking about how Hillary is trying to portray herself as this naive, doting wife who couldn't believe it when Bill admitted the truth...he said she was "trying to be Sue Ellen Ewing minus the booze." I liked that.

Remember...you've got one more day to submit your entry for the AWS Lyric-A-Day Melee! See your name and musical tastes immortalized on the Internet! Go to this corner of Arguing with Signposts for details!

2003-06-03T11:11:00.000-05:00

In today's Bleat, James Lileks writes:

Well, we know Eric Robert Rudolph’s guilty, don’t we? He has THREE NAMES. He was Eric Rudolph for years, but now he’s Eric Robert Rudolph. Say no more. That’s why I never thought Richard Jewell did the Atlanta bombing; he would have been described as Richard Jay Jewell, or Richard Harvey Jewell. People don’t get a middle name unless they’re a famous criminal. That’s the law. Ricky Ray Rector. Lee Harvey Oswald. James Earl Ray. Sirhan Sirhan Sirhan.

Is this why presidential candidate John Kerry is now always reported as John F. Kerry? Is he trying for a bad boy image? Hillary Rodham Clinton...a criminal? NO WAY!

Following this line of thinking, I'm going to have to give one of my dogs a couple of extra names. Because she is a BAD dog. The Governor, for once, slept past 6 a.m., and Breezy, our BAD dog, started barking to go outside at 6:15. So I let her out where she continued to bark. So The Governor and I started looking for the shotgun shells, but couldn't find them. She lives to see another day. (And hey...I know Breezy is a goofy name, but she came from the animal shelter with that tag, and we were too lazy to try and change it.)

Well, The Senator finally rolled out of bed, so I'm off to fix some ~~breakfast~~ lunch for him. What a life.

2003-06-02T09:03:00.000-05:00

A great day for soccer yesterday! Beautiful weather, and Nick the Jerk ended up playing on my team...so he lives another week. I almost had to take him out...teammate or not. He was playing forward, and I sent him a pass that should have made ESPN's Greatest Moments in Sports History. Perfect pass. Right between two defenders. Right in front of the net. The open net. The goalie was off balance from the previous shot. The only thing I didn't do was dust the ball off for him. So Nick is going to capitalize on this opportunity by showcasing his talents. He tries to curl the ball into the net with the outside of his foot...and sends it wide.

If I had managed to get this all on video...no court in the land would have held me liable when I beat the pulp out of him. But hey...this is just a recreational league. So he lives another week. I can only hope that next Sunday, when we number off to choose teams, he and I are wearing different colors.

On a different note...the entire hair gel industry would tank in a day if people realized how well mashed bananas work for sculpting your hair into immoveable designs. Just ask The Governor. We discovered this organic styling product when he chose to use his hair for a napkin this morning. Of course, you may have to watch out for bees if you go outside.

Go see Day by Day. It's awesome. I can't believe this issue of whether or not an Islamic woman can wear her veil in a driver's license photo got as big as it did. Can't some judge with an ounce of common sense simply say, "Um...no." I forgot where I saw it, but someone had a picture of this woman's mug shot (sans veil). Yeah, she's a minor criminal of sorts. Apparently there wasn't a big dust up over the mug shot being taken without the veil. Heh.

And Bryan at Arguing with Signposts is having a contest. Send him your favorite lyrics and see your name on his site!

2003-06-01T11:03:00.000-05:00

A good Sunday joke for you fellow Catholics (via my mother-in-law):

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’”

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw the two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Heh, heh, heh.

2003-05-31T09:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry I didn't write more yesterday. Soon after publishing the last post, I got a call from my mom, who was worried about her baby. She said if I wasn't too tired to drive, why didn't I bring the boys in to her house for lunch and take a nap while I was there. I had showered, dressed the boys, and was pulling out of the driveway before the ear piece on the phone had time to cool.

We had a great day. The Senator just about wet his britches when he found out his cousins were going to stop by after school. He worships cousin M., because this cousin knows how to run the computer and download neat games off the Internet. He loves cousin J., because this cousin reacts very strongly when The Senator is trying to annoy him. Both cousins in one shot. A dream come true.

I was thinking about writing some when I got home, but I had left the windows open in the house, and it was FREEZING inside. I was having trouble changing The Governor's diaper because my fingers were going numb. Forget typing. It still hasn't warmed up much. It's June 1 tomorrow, and I'm sitting at the keyboard in a flannel shirt and sweat pants. I like my fall weather in the fall, thank you.

My brother tipped me off to one of his new favorite blogs, Professor Bunyip. Well worth a visit and a bookmark. And the fellow is talking about moving off Blogspot...so you know he's a decent chap.

Also...to Cousin Emmy in Alaska: I found some great "mom" blogs. Start with Moody Mama and then check out her blog roll. I like Coffeemom and Busy Mom Blog.

More later as time and temperature permits.

2003-05-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

Mitch Berg has a great post today, taking the Star Tribune to task for its tin-foil hat editorial on the passage of The Personal Protection Act.

And via Instapundit, I read this tutorial on Moveable Type last night. It was great! I think I'm inspired enough to try moving off BlogSpot all by myself. I have a bit more reading to do, but I can't wait to get started.

I should find plenty of time to read up on MT if The Governor has another couple nights like last night. I'm not sure what was upsetting him, but he kept waking up and crying every 45 minutes. After my third trip to his room to comfort him, I decided it wasn't worth it to go back and wait for the fourth ear-piercing scream to come over the monitor, so we sat at the computer and surfed pretty much all night. If you find a couple (or several) spelling errors today, don't criticize unless you want to come over and babysit so I can take a nap.

More later if I'm still conscious.

2003-05-29T21:13:00.000-05:00

Varmint Death Pool
We've killed eight gophers so far. Yee-haw. And The VP got to shoot a sick raccoon a couple of weeks ago. The dogs have something treed right now, so we might raise the numbers by the end of the evening. And I need a ruling on this one: if I run over a garter snake in the driveway...do I get to count it?

Yep...this is how we have fun in the Wright County outpost of French Lake Township.

Depressing news...I was talking to my brother today about moving off Blog*Spot. (He'd like to move as well.) I mentioned getting a DSL line, and he said he couldn't get one in his area because you have to be within a certain distance of a substation or something like that. Well, if he can't get one in his city (large suburb), there's no chance in Hades I'm getting one out here. I sometimes drive the car just to get to my mailbox.

Sigh.

Good news...Awesome Bryan sent me another encouraging email directing me to this lady for help setting up my own site sans Blogger. Why don't you all go there for a visit and ratchet up her traffic a bit so she'll be in a great mood when I hit her up for help in my email I'm sending tomorrow!

2003-05-28T21:32:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to develop the same passionate hatred for Blog*Spot that so many people already possess. Now I get some irritating window opening up saying a Runtime error has occurred - do I want to Debug? I keep clicking NO until it goes away. It does this when I open my brother's site as well.

So - I'm moving. I'm not sure how soon I'm going to be able to tackle this - but I've got to do it. I think I'm going to try and find someone to help me set up a template with Moveable Type - and show me enough just to be able to post and put up a few pictures. I'm not going to be messing around with design changes. I'd like to work with someone local so I could sit down with them and have them show me live. I'm going to have trouble working with someone over the phone because our house only has one phone line (dial-up modem here), and my cell phone doesn't get reception inside. (Yes...I live in the boonies.) Trying to work and talk won't happen. Maybe I can talk the VP into getting a DSL or whatever it is that frees up your phone line. (Yes, that's how ignorant I am of all things computer-related.)

Anyway...it's constantly on my mind.

I haven't seen or heard much about this today, but I haven't been near a TV or newspaper. Steve H. says the WMD's have been found. Can't wait to get more details. If this is true...I can't wait to listen to talk radio tomorrow.

The Governor was taking some independent walks today. Six or seven steps all by himself. Tomorrow he'll be asking for the car keys. Sigh.

Ooh. I forgot to mention that I'm going to a Dixie Chicks concert in Minneapolis on June 6th. My sister purchased tickets before Natalie Maines opened her yap over in London. Can't wait to see the crowd downtown. I'm not expecting much booing. If anything, there will probably be a lot of support for the singers. Minneapolis is like San Francisco lite. I'm sure we'll see plenty of anti-Bush PETA members who will want Natalie to autograph their Wellstone t-shirts.

2003-05-27T21:52:00.000-05:00

I'm just now catching up on reading my favorite blogs. I didn't have much time over the weekend. One of my new favorites, Arguing with Signposts, had a post on my Meanest Mom entry. I suppose most big time bloggers get linked to so frequently they barely notice, but it sends me into a fit of giggles to see my site referenced on someone else's blog. Even if it's to tell me I'm painfully mean! Thanks, Bryan!

His post sent some traffic my way, including Steven at The Poliblog, who sent me an email with some advice on getting off Blogger!

And to my brother, Bob, who thinks I'm enforcing "capricious" gun laws in my own house by dismembering my son's cap gun (Sat, May 24 post): your thinly veiled threat to replace the gun on The Senator's birthday is futile. I'm posting my "No Guns Allowed" signs on each doorway as required by law. Although if you decide to break in through a window...there's nothing I could do about it.

Hmmm...I guess all burglars will now have to enter through windows because if they try to break into a house through a duly posted door, they'll have to leave their weapons behind.

Had a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend. Sunday I had another soccer game, but decided it was too nice a day to leave anyone maimed so the jerk who took the unsportsman-like shot at me the week before got to go home in one piece. Sunday evening I spent at my friend's house with a couple of other girlfriends. I couldn't tell you exactly what we did or talked about, except that it involved a lot of attempts at making strawberry daiquiris and laughing so hard my pancreas hurt.

Not too much else to share today. Unless you want details on the number of pocket gophers we've been killing around here. We have lots of them. I finally saw one caught in a trap today. (My father-in-law usually disposes of them before the boys or I have to look at them.) I was surprised I felt no pity for the thing. My only thought was, "Heh. More peas for me." That'll teach 'em to burrow in our vegetable gardens. Man...what a change for me. When I lived in Minneapolis, I probably would have sobbed to see a cute, furry gopher clamped dead in a trap. Now I'm wishing we could get rid of the traps and just shoot the pesky buggers. Country livin'!

2003-05-25T11:20:00.000-05:00

Last night's emergency midnight bulletin from The Senator:

Mom, I had a HUE-MUNGEOUS boogie in my nose but it was too far back so I used my finger to get it out! I just had to tell you.

And off he goes...back downstairs to bed. Comforted in the fact that Mom is now wide awake wondering what he did with the boogie after he rescued it from the caverns of his nose. Guess we'll be changing all the bedsheet in this house today.

2003-05-23T21:07:00.000-05:00

I want to thank you all for coming tonight to see me accept this award. And I want to acknowledge the other contenders...you did a great job, but today, I had what it takes to set myself apart from the crowd...to make to the very top. And so it is with humble modesty that I accept the coveted Wire Hanger for being selected as this year's

MEANEST MOM IN THE WORLD!

I'm going to pass on the million-dollar book deal my agent arranged and give you the secret to my success right now.

I've been building to this moment for some time, with various despotic plans that included vegetables for dinner, naps, baths, forced use of language such as "please" and "thank-you," and unreasonable bedtimes.

But what brought me to the top was this incident today in the kitchen. The Senator was playing in the sink. We fill it up, add food coloring, and bring out various tools (utensils) for him to monkey with in the water. One "tool" was a small, wooden tong used for picking bagels out of the toaster. Inexpensive piece of junk, really, but my junk. I'm reading the newspaper at the counter when I hear a SNAP! The Senator turns around with two pieces of wood in his hand and announces in a nearly gleeful voice

I broke it, Mom! And it can't be fixed!

This is not the first thing of mine he has systematically destroyed. We've had four or five other 'discussions' about breaking other people's things. Apparently, the lesson didn't take. So I asked him to get down from his perch and go get me his toy cap gun.

He ran out of the room and came back with the gun. I released the chamber, and snapped it right off.

I'll just let that sink in a moment...

Yep. Snapped it right off. He was speechless for about 30 seconds as his brain tried to verify what his eyes were reporting. And then the howling started. And when that subsided, he held out the two pieces and asked if he should put them in the trash. Sure, I said, right next that thing of mine that you broke. More howling. I told him to take off his glasses and go lie down, and he wails,

Are you going to break my glasses?

If I was going for the Most Vicious Mom award, I would have answered, "Probably." But I knew I could take the gold in the Mean category...so why risk it.

I did make him take a nap, however, so don't think I'm soft.

I think this lesson is going to stick with him a while.

Thank you, and good-night.

2003-05-22T20:33:00.000-05:00

I was going to suggest that some small business owners might want to check into this as a means of some cheap advertising...but I don't want any strangers looking that closely at my nephew's rear end.

(If the BlogSpot link doesn't work; check out today's entry at my brother's site.)

And a public thank you to Bryan at Arguing with Signposts for some helpful information on TypePad...which may be my way out of Blogger!

I wish I had more to write, but today has been spent mostly lying around the pool, eating bon-bons, and watching daytime television. I did get off the lounger long enough to let the pool boy reach the empty pizza boxes underneath, but I don't think I moved more than a couple of feet all day. I had the maid set the boys out in the back yard with the dogs and told her to make sure they had enough water for the day. I was seriously considering having a catheter put in to avoid yet another wasteful expenditure of energy: walking to the bathroom. The butler turned away all visitors and peddlars, and secured his job forever when he shot that annoying crow in the neighbor's tree. The string quartet showed up 6 minutes late, so when they were done playing three hours later... I refused to pay them. They started to get upset. I called the butler. They went out with a bang. I'd tell you about the rest of my afternoon, but the pool boy is here with the scented oils and lotions and he's going to give my index fingers a massage. How I suffer. How I suffer.

Errr...now that the Dayquil has worn off...here's how my day really went: Never mind. It involved nothing more glamorous than running children to various appointments and trying to keep my nose from dripping when I didn't have a tissue handy. Have you ever pretended to cough into your shoulder just so you could discreetly blot your nose on your shirt? Here's a hint: it's not discreet when you're wearing a dark-colored shirt and your nose leaves a noticeable wet spot. The sad part is...I had a tissue in my pocket. I just couldn't reach it because I was holding onto The Governor and The Senator was clinging to my other hand. Parking lot rules, you know. Fortunately, whenever you're holding an infant...everyone assumes all messes on your clothes are from the baby. No need to correct them.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend!

2003-05-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Today was The Senator's last day of preschool. The teachers celebrated the summer birthdays this week, and today was The Senator's turn to wear a Birthday Crown and hand out treats. The VP and I ordered several pizzas and brought them in and the kids had a party. What a blast. A roomful of squirrely 4 and 5 year olds. I don't know how the teachers keep a straight face day after day.

The Governor finally went to sleep. And he should be up again in about 5 hours. I think it's been a full month since he last slept through the night. We're going to the doctor tomorrow. He's had a cough that wakes him up and a very runny nose the last couple of days. I feel so bad for the poor guy.

I feel bad for me, too. When he doesn't sleep; I don't either. I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 4 straight hours. I've discovered that once you go long enough with little to no sleep, you enter an auto-pilot type of existence that makes life remarkably easy. For example, when I go grocery shopping with The Senator, we don't have any more arguments over what should go in the cart.

Mom, can I have this green and black pudding with the red sprinkles on top and maple syrup drizzle?

On a full night of sleep, I say no, he counters with the benefits of said pudding, I deny the claims, he appeals with a couple other reasons as to why he should have the pudding (including "because I don't have any yet"), and I lay down the final decision: NO. On auto-pilot it goes like this:

Mom, can I have this green and black pudding with the red sprinkles on top and maple syrup drizzle?

"Sure."

Grocery shopping trips are now completed in record time. We still have nothing to eat when we get home, but on auto-pilot...who cares?

Tech Question
I would really like to move off Blog*Spot...but I'm scared to death. I want to register my own domain name and set up my own site...but I'm just not sure how to begin. Natalie offered me some ideas quite a while ago about setting up a page in Yahoo or something like that. My mother-in-law also gave me a copy of FrontPage, but on this site, I've read some comments that it may not be the best thing for blogging. I've seen Moveable Type on a lot of sites...but I have no idea what this is. What's the best way for the computer illiterate to evolve up from Blogger? Please understand...I am starting from Ground Zero. I know NOTHING about servers, HTML (except how to make my words bold or set in italics), registering a name, etc. Any one who has some time...feel free to email me (address at top left) and direct me. I wouldn't mind hiring someone to help me with this.

Uh oh. The Governor's awake. It's going to be a looooooong night. At least I'll have time to do a lot of blog reading. Hope Steve H. has been busy writing today.

2003-05-20T22:24:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking about changing out of this pair of shorts and into a pair of jeans just so I can unsnap them and feel better. Aaaaah. Great dinner tonight. My favorite. Lasagna. Garlic toast. Salad. Fruit. Chocolate cake. Did I say aaaaah yet?

My mom had a great tradition when we were little. On your birthday, you got to set the menu for the evening. Or at least pick the main course. And I always picked lasagna. Today is my mother-in-law's birthday. So I decided to keep the tradition going. No, she didn't choose lasagna. I chose it for her.

The Senator decorated Nana's birthday cake, and he picked out some "Magic Candles" to put on the top. He was so enthralled by the idea of these tricky candles that he couldn't wait to open them. I had to hold him off all day by telling him we could not get the candles out until Nana came over for dinner. It just about killed him to wait for dinner to end. I swear he would have lit them in her salad if I would have let him. The candles were a big hit; but we almost set off the smoke detector.

Well, I better go. I forgot to cover the newly planted flowers, and we're supposed to get a frost tonight. (*&%#! Minnesota weather.

Oooh. Almost forgot. Look for some news coming from the MN State House. Seems one of our Democrats pulled a similar stunt to those Texas Dems...but with a twist! Might be a rumor, but you'll know for sure tomorrow!

2003-05-18T21:07:00.000-05:00

Just got back from my soccer game. This Sunday night league is a co-ed, recreational league. The sign-up form specifically states that if you are competitive...go somewhere else. Well, there are lots of talented people out there each Sunday, but they adjust to make it a fun game for the others who barely know how to kick a ball in a straight line. Except for Nick. I don't like this guy. Tonight he blasted a shot that whizzed by my head and caught my ear. That burned. It's a good thing I'm a mild-mannered person, (stop laughing, Dad) or I would have taken him down the next time the ball came anywhere near him. His luck held; the game only had a minute left to play and so he will live until next Sunday. Then he will perish in a mangled heap of twisted limbs on the 18 yard line.

Want to know what dissipated my bad mood? Passing the dairy farm that's a mile or so from my home...I saw a bull and a cow mating. Man, was that funny. I couldn't help but wonder what went through that poor cow's mind as this large brown refrigerator launched onto her back side. Probably wondering if she can find a chiropractor.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend.

2003-05-18T12:16:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Charlotte!

I'd let you all know how old my pal, Charlotte, is today, but I forgot. Besides, if you've met her, you wouldn't believe me anyway. She looks like she's 19. She teaches school out in Colorado, and I often wonder how she maintains discipline with her high school students because she could blend in with them in a crowd. Well...she does have an iron will, though. She has to - she's married to my brother-in-law! (Kidding, Terry!) Hope you are having a wonderful birthday, Charlotte!

2003-05-17T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was just peeking at my Site Meter and I saw that someone visited from this site. So I went there and found some good stuff! And now I am following the author's suggestion: "Notice me now and be ahead of the curve!" And thank you, sir, for blog rolling me!

2003-05-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry about missing a couple of days…it’s been busy around here. To start off the updates: We have a new nickname for The Drool! Henceforth, the junior dictator in the family shall be known as The Governor. Choosing a new name was a tough decision; I received several great suggestions. The Governor (or The Guv, if I'm too lazy to type the whole thing) seemed to fit best. The wonderful thing is, because I thought of it myself...the $10,000 winning entry prize goes to me! Hahahahahaha!

Next update: The Governor is now STANDING by himself and TAKING A FEW STEPS. I can’t really call it walking yet, but he’s on his way. His longest stretch was six steps while teetering from me to Nana. I was beginning to get a bit worried about him. The Senator was walking at 11 months. The Guv hit the 13 month mark yesterday. Of course now I'm obligated to completely switch gears and long for the days when he couldn't walk.

The Professor and The Green Goddess came out yesterday to help me reclaim the raised-bed planter that I abandoned last year. The transformation is amazing. The GG pruned back some shrubs and my rose bush and pointed out some other changes I could make. We planted lots of flowers and a couple of interesting ground covers. I can’t wait to see it take off this year. I highly recommend encouraging you to get your mother or someone else in the family to become a Master Gardener. Now if I could only get my siblings to change their vocations and become an Electrician, A Carpenter, and a Pediatrician, I’d be set. However…having two (soon three) police officers in the family isn't a bad thing, and may come in handy when the boys turn 16.

Oh, and before I forget...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Bob!

I'd like to write more, but I've been informed we are going on a family grocery shopping trip. Hoo Ha! This should be fun. Really. No sarcasm. I love going grocery shopping with The VP. It's so nice to be able to turn your back on your cart and actually look at the shelves and not worry about someone trying to climb out of the cart, or someone's older brother trying to climb into the cart. An extra adult makes it a joyous occasion. Oreos for everybody!

2003-05-14T15:23:00.000-05:00

Right Thinking from the Left Coast links to this article about a lawyer in San Francisco who wants to stop the sale of Oreo cookies to children.

Oreo cookies should be banned from sale to children in California, according to a lawsuit filed by a San Francisco attorney who claims that trans fat -- the stuff that makes the chocolate cookies crisp and their filling creamy -- is so dangerous children shouldn't eat it.

Can you see where this is headed? Warning labels on your cookies. The entire cookie aisle at your local grocer's will now be located in the lockable glass cases in the front of the store. Ask the cashier, and he will fetch you a package. Sign this release form, ma'am, so we can be absolved of any liability in case one of these Oreos makes it into a child's mouth.

The suit, the first of its kind in the country, asks for an injunction ordering Kraft Foods to desist from selling Nabisco Oreo Cookies to children in California, because the cookies are made with partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, also called trans fat.

How many children buy Oreo cookies right now? In most of the families I know, the adults buy the cookies for the kids. Can't you just wait for the police reports?

Responded to a complaint at Mayfield Park of a soccer mom distributing a controlled substance to children. Mary Johnson, 35, was arrested and charged with fifth-degree contributing to the delinquency of minors. A package of Kraft Oreo cookies was confiscated at the scene.

Maybe we should just save a lot of time, energy, and money, and simply give all the fruits and vegetables labels that say, "This has NOT been shown in any significant, reliable studies to cause severe damage to your health. Anything else in your cart should be eaten at your own risk."

UPDATE: On The Fritzhas further information about the dangers of OREOs!

2003-05-13T22:30:00.000-05:00

I found this over at Mrs. du Toit's site. She doesn't know who to credit, so neither do I. Wish I did...I really enjoyed it.

A young teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.

He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.

He then asked how her friend Mary, who was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was hung over.

He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.

The daughter fired back and said, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing."

The father smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Heh, heh, heh.

2003-05-13T20:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm going to have to come up with a name for him soon. (See yesterday's post.) My father-in-law read my blog and said, "The only thing that comes to mind is SHOCK AND AWE." This may stem from some behavior problems that surfaced when he and Nana were watching the boy while I was out of town. The Drool was still taking a bottle, and it had to be warm. Nana handed him a bottle that was chilled, and he whipped it across the room. Didn't taste it first, but made the determination that it was not the correct temperature simply by the feel in his hand.

Aunt S. brought that story up when she suggested The Tyrant. I like that too.

Tonight he was taking a bath and he UNLOADED in the tub. It was horrible. I spent a few moments wretching before I regained enough equilibrium to hall him out of the mess and start cleaning. There is not enough bleach in the world to make you feel the tub is clean after something like that. We may have to remodel.

New to the blogroll: If you like Grouchy Old Cripple you just may like Gut Rumbles. I do. Now go check him out and don't forget to thank me.

2003-05-12T21:07:00.000-05:00

CONTEST!

Attention family and friends: I have decided that I can no longer refer to our youngest son as The Drool. With eight teeth firmly through the gums...the drooling has ceased, and the name no longer fits. The Crazyweiler has now taken the lead as Most Unappealing Family Member to Kiss Because of Saliva Flowing Off the Lower Lip. Some days I'm a close second.

Right now I'm leaning towards "The Temper." Self-explanatory. I know I'm going to have some negative reactions from the Grandparents, most of whom will want a more positive moniker. I say to them: now's your chance. Let's hear your two cents. I'd also love to hear from anyone else who's met or read about the Infant Formerly Known as Drool and can coin him in a word or two. Hmm...maybe I should just assign him a symbol?

Speaking of IFKAD, he was standing at the baby gate today smacking The Crazyweiler in the chops as hard as he could. The Crazyweiler was watching me slice salami on the kitchen counter and wasn't going to take his eyes off me lest he miss a free will offering. So he had his big, fat head over the baby gate, and IFKAD crawled over, pulled himself up, and started smacking The Crazyweiler's face. Poor dog...you could see he was clearly annoyed, but he couldn't take a chance on missing the smallest scrap of food. The hitting didn't stop until IFKAD's little hand slipped up inside The Crazyweiler's upper lip...and was covered in a thick saliva slime. He pulled his hand back, took one dismayed look at it, sat down, and started crying. Poor baby. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to put your hand in a Rottweiler's mouth? Oh, I guess I didn't.

2003-05-12T20:51:00.000-05:00

Thou shalt not bear false witness... or how God never had a four year old sneak into his bedroom at night.

So last evening, the VP and I are in bed and just about to wrap up a beautiful Mother's Day. The VP asked if I shut the bedroom door because The Senator has been known to get out of bed and come upstairs to fill us in on important happenings, such as the skid marks in his underwear or the fact that he just took a drink of water out of his cup.

Yes, I shut the door, honey. What I didn't do, however, was replace the plastic child-proof cap on the doorknob to prevent small hands from opening the door. I took it off last Friday so the munchkins could use the bathroom that's off our bedroom.

So there we are..(Note to Nephew M: you are not allowed to read any further)...about to kick off the festivities when we hear the #@!$% bedroom door open. We yank the sheet up to our chins, and The Senator comes marching in and says:

I went to the bathroom downstairs and...Hey! Why do ya have those candles on?

I couldn't think of a lie. I just stared at him and started laughing. The VP pulled the sheet all the way over his head and groaned. Poor kid. Some day he'll think of this and figure it out and get a massive case of the willies. Probably while he's on a date or something. We may have done some permanent damage.

2003-05-11T00:29:00.000-05:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

I asked the VP if he would jot down a few words for his mom. He surprised me and came up with more than a few. The following is from him to his mother, LC.

It is said that a person never appreciates his parents until he has kids of his own. So to my mom on Mother’s Day, I’d like to say “Thanks.”

Thanks for bringing me and my brother up right.

Thanks for putting up with dirty diapers.

Thanks for taking care of us when we were sick.

Thanks for answering a million questions when we were four years old.

Thanks for cleaning up our messes.

Thanks for not yelling when we ended up with more dinner on our shirts than in our mouths.

Thanks for giving us hugs – even when we were wearing most of our dinner.

Thanks most of all for just being there, mom.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom! I love you!

Budda

And I would like to add the following:

I have the best mother-in-law in the world. I’m sorry if you think highly of yours, but I still have the best. If she’s ever had a critical thought about me or my housekeeping skills or my parenting abilities…she’s kept it to herself. When I do things she appreciates, she lets me know. She is generous, kind-hearted, funny, and smart and frequently uses these attributes to enrich our lives. She is a wonderful Nana to our boys. She once told me at a very awful time in my life that she couldn’t love me more if I was her own daughter. I never forget that, and I try to deserve it. She raised two wonderful boys, and I hope I can do as good a job with mine. Happy Mother’s Day, LC!

********

To my own wonderful mother:

Dear Mom,
Happy Mother’s Day!

Every year I write the same thing in the Hallmark cards. I love you. I appreciate you. I can never thank you enough for all you do and have done for me.

How many times have I told you about going off to college and immediately realizing with a Road-to-Damascus flash of blinding light that YOU WERE RIGHT! About EVERYTHING! And how it made me regret that I did my best in high school to try and disprove this and be a general pain in the *ss.

And I hope by now I’ve said thank you for all the volunteering you’ve done for us over the years, including but not limited to: being the art lady at school and the softball coach and the Girl Scout Leader and PTA member and volunteer lunch lady and driving me all over the state to soccer tournaments.

But did you also know…

how much I admire your intelligence? It makes me proud that you whip through the NYTimes crossword puzzles as though you were doing second grade arithmetic. And that your broker listens to your advice. You could have run a country, but you got stuck with us instead.

I also admire how strong you are? Like the years you held down that part-time job in the luggage department at the department store with those nasty old witches who made it miserable for you. Again…for us.

I’m amazed that you raised four well-adjusted kids? I’m not sure how you did it without killing any of us, because I only have two, and there are days when that number comes perilously close to one.

that I'm giggling thinking that while you're reading this touching tribute to your many talents, you're also proof-reading it and making a mental note to remind me that I used incorrect punctuation in the second paragraph?

how often I hope I'm as busy and active and involved in life as you are when my kids are grown?

how my husband wishes I had the same interest and delight in cooking that you have?

how the boys look forward to every visit with their grandparents because you're so fun and creative?

how Breezy secretly admires you and a kind word from your lips is better than a blind, lame squirrel in the backyard trying to find the other side of the fence?

how frequently I think about how lucky I am to have you for a mom? It's not one Sunday a year in May. It's all the time. Every time I realize I could never hang wallpaper or make any recipe that calls for phyllo or hem a pair of pants or have to look up a word in a dictionary or have trouble keeping a geranium alive...I think about how you master it all. And if I turn out to be half as good a Mom as you are...then I have all the more reason to think I'm lucky.

Thanks for being my wonderful mom! I love you.

2003-05-10T16:17:00.000-05:00

Just went for a walk. The Senator rode his bike while I pushed The Drool in the stroller. The Senator stopped along the side of the driveway and watched a small gopher disappear down its hole. The Senator peered into the hole and then spit into it. I asked,

Why in the world did you do that?

"To make him miserable."

I didn't know what to say after that. I don't know where he came up with the idea. I'm pretty sure Bob the Builder doesn't spit down gopher holes. I think I'm going to pin this one on Tom and Jerry.

Note to Nana and Buppa: We saw two orioles and lots of hummingbirds today. The gardens look great and you're missing out on some fantastic asparagus.

2003-05-10T15:09:00.000-05:00

I was speaking with The Professor this morning. For those of you who don’t recall…The Professor is a diabolical retiree who I mistakenly let care for my children while the VP and I were on vacation. The Professor used all his talents as an evil genius to attempt to destroy the four and a half years of obedience training that I've put in on my sons. Unluckily for The Professor, The Green Goddess (master gardener, child-rearing whiz, and his spouse of many years), was there to foil several of his more sinister plans.

I think the boys need ice cream for breakfast, right honey?

No dear. Maybe just for lunch and dinner.

Thanks, Mom!

So The Professor tells me this morning, “You should write more about the boys and the dogs and stop linking so much to other sites. Everyone does that.” You know…if he would finally bite the bullet and get his own blog…he’d see for himself how quickly one becomes a Link Whore in order to see your own name on other sites.

But, Cathy in the Wright tries to please. So here is some dribble about the boys:

Wright County Household Overrun by Midgets
Yesterday I was unable to blog because The Senator invited several of his preschool buddies over for a playdate. Those friends also brought along their siblings, and while I never got a final head count, the noise level would seem to indicate we had at least 50 small children running wild through the house.

We moms had a good time. When the kids get into that pack mentality, they actually become rather low maintenance. We stayed in the kitchen and had a mini-hen party. I offered to open a bottle of wine or crack open some beers, but they all declined. One had a few of her daycare kids along, and she thought the county licensing board might frown upon drinking on the job. This is why we need smaller government.

Still, a good time was had by all. Nothing was broken. No major stains on the carpet. (That I’ve found yet, anyway.) The Senator was hoarse by the time his friends all left. He took a “rest” on the couch after the last one departed. A rest is his way of admitting he’s tired without having to submit to the childish indignity of a “nap.”

The Drool slept through most of the activity, and when I found myself with a quiet house and two resting kids, I invited our neighbor, who was outside fixing our roof, in for a couple of beers. A couple of St. Pauli Girls later…and I’m thinking it was one successful day.

As for the dogs…they’re still rolling around on their backs with extended bellies after cleaning up after the midgets yesterday. We grilled hot dogs, and I think more meat and buns were dropped on the floor than actually made it into mouths. The Crazyweiler walked around all afternoon with a four inch tendril of drool hanging from his lip.

And The Drool added another word to his vocabulary. “Cook.” This refers to the arrowroot biscuits that we dole out as cookies.

More later, we’re off for a walk before the rain starts.

2003-05-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

Git on over to Grouchy Old Cripple and have a gander at this picture. Heh, heh, heh.

Short post for now. I'm going to try this web-pinging thing that Bryan over at Arguing with Signposts suggested I try. And I will. Because he asked so nicely. And in another show of good manners, he thanked me for adding him to my blogroll. And that made me feel good, especially since I should be thanking him for mentioning my blog and linking to me. Thank you, Bryan!

2003-05-08T08:50:00.000-05:00

I broke 1000! Just looked at the old Site Meter. I can't believe my dad checks this site so often!

Also noted on Site Meter: someone Googled "pooped + pants + men" and found me. Heh, heh, heh. I'm picturing some poor freak who is looking for some sick, gay p'nography and found me instead. Although...The Senator did wake me up at 12:30 a.m. to tell me the good news that there were NO skid marks in his underwear.

That's great, Senator...now why are you out of bed?

"Well, I just had to come up and tell you that."

Thank goodness. It would have been a fitful night of tossing and turning...worrying about your Fruit of the Loom's.

2003-05-08T08:35:00.000-05:00

Blog roll update. I'm pretty sure it was Steve H. at Little Tiny Lies who directed me to Arguing with Signposts. And now I must add Bryan to my roll because I read him daily, he's highly entertaining, good with Photoshop, and has a stellar blog roll himself. (Oh, why, is that my site down there at the bottom?) So bookmark him now.

2003-05-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Sounds like my brother agrees with my opinion of local talk radio host, Joe Soucheray.

As much as I enjoy some of his rants I'm glad I've never met Soucheray. I'm pretty sure I'd detest him in person.

Sums up how I feel as well. Interesting side note: I had the chance to meet Joe's brother, John. Wonderful guy. Incredibly funny. Very entertaining. The kind of guy you hope can make the family Thanksgiving dinner each year because he'd keep you in stitches the whole time. The VP and I met him on a boat trip given for some of the station's advertisers. John works for the same radio station as Joe. John and Joe certainly resemble each other, but given their personalities...kinda makes you wonder if one was adopted.

2003-05-06T13:23:00.000-05:00

I was surprised to read this in Lilek's Bleat today:

Note to people who feel compelled to begin talk-radio conversations with “long-time listener, first-time caller” - no one cares. Least of all the host. Nor should you say “as I told your screener . . .” because A) it eats up time and B) reminds everyone of the process that weeds out long-winded dullards, and C) how this process has failed.

Surprised because it sounded rather snotty of Lileks to say that, even if it's true. And snotty is not an adjective I would have ever applied to The Bleat or to its author.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who thinks so. Lawrence at Amish Tech Support wrote:

I listen to a lot of call radio, and I say cut the callers some slack, guys.

After many attempts and lots of busy signals over a week, a month, a year... these folks finally get through. They're excited about talking to the person they thing of as a celebrity. Sure, in real life, like all of us these talk radio people put their pants on one leg at a time and snort his cocaine off the fine tanned ass of a supermodel one line at a time, but the radio and television and silver screen weave a spell on the... fans? Followers? Disciples? Dittoheads?

I also listen to a lot of local talk radio. Garage Logic(tm) is a very popular afternoon show here, but I would never call in because the host, Joe Soucheray, always sounds like a jerk to his callers. Every time he answers a call he sounds annoyed, as if the worst part of his job was dealing with the morons who want to agree with him on some particular point. Soucheray is entertaining on his own (his sidekick, The Rookie...yawn) but I change the station when he's taking calls because it's almost painful to listen to him snip at people as they thank him for taking their call.

2003-05-05T19:31:00.000-05:00

Lawdy, lawdy! Company's comin' and I haven't even started bakin the pies. Junior! Go fetch some taters from the root cellar and put the dog out afore he musses my clean kitchen.

Steve H. is making the blog rounds, and Cathy in the Wright is due up tomorrow! Wish I had something funny or interesting to post. Today all I had was SCREAMIN'! The Drool refused to take a nap. I tried everything. Well, almost everything. I was seriously thinking of opening the Bailey's to see if it would knock him out, but I was afraid I'd be too tempted to finish the bottle. Wouldn't look good picking up The Senator at school half in the bag.

So...pretty soon he has to collapse out of sheer exhaustion. You'd think. It's almost 7:30p.m., and he's still going strong. He's stopped screaming for the moment. He's too busy trying to figure out how to dismantle the Diaper Genie.

Screaming again. This time it's The Senator. He's in the tub, and I just informed him that we will be washing his hair as soon as I'm done here.

Sigh. Where's that bottle?

2003-05-05T09:41:00.000-05:00

Curmudgeonly & Skeptical is always entertaining. First he points out this article about former president Clinton's desire to remain in the spotlight...and how it's not working. Then he posts this fabulous picture of Hillary. The picture credits the site Strange Cosmos as the creator. So I went there. You should too. If you have a couple of hours.

2003-05-03T22:08:00.000-05:00

Damn! I'm only a Lowly Insect. My brother is a Flippery Fish. I gotta start linking more. Some day, I hope to evolve up to a Crawly Amphibian.

2003-05-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

A couple of changes to the blog roll. Rachel Lucas is a regular read, and I'm not sure why I didn't have her over there on the left. Well, okay, I'm lazy. So here she is. Enjoy. Also, Chris Muir's Day by Day cartoon is great. Better than anything that comes in the Sunday funnies.

2003-05-03T21:00:00.000-05:00

I was going to post this when it was current. But I didn't. Because I'm lazy. So here it is now. Because it's still funny.

2003-05-03T20:57:00.000-05:00

According to Andrea Harris, Michael Jackson is looking for a house in Florida. Now, I don't care where that freak lives, as long as it's not in Minnesota. But some of my favorite bloggers (Frank J. and Steve H.) live in Florida, and I do feel sorry for them. However, think of all the fabulous raw material for blogging....

2003-05-03T17:38:00.000-05:00

What a fun day. The Senator had one of his little friends over, and the two of them were playing "Slay the Bad Guy" with swords. All day long. The bad guys were different villians from their favorite cartoons or videos and all of them suffered horrible fates, among which were having hearts cut out and feet cut off and heads chopped into a million pieces. After a while, they ran out of bad guys.

"Mrs. Camp, do you know any bad guys?"

Sure. How about Saddam. He's a real bad guy. He hurts people and steals their pet goldfish and steps on their flowerbeds. Last time I saw him he was hiding in The Drool's bedroom. You better go get him.

And off they went. Saddam was promptly found hiding under a chair and was immediately cut up into a million pieces.

"Do you know another bad guy?"

You bet. How about Fidel? He's going to be tricky to catch because he's rather oily, but if you can grab his beard, you've got a good chance of defeating him.

Fidel didn't make it one round. He was killed, chopped up into a million pieces, and fed to The Crazyweiler. And so on and so forth. We went through all the dictators I could think of, and then we moved onto the Democrats. We decided not to kill the Democrats, but merely lock them away for life. The Senator's friend, however, came up with a good one for Ted Kennedy. I warned them that Ted was a big guy so it would probably take both of them to catch this bad guy.

"And when we do," said The Senator's little friend, "we'll shove his head in the toilet and then lock him in jail.

Good idea, Sara.

I love this game.

2003-05-02T19:36:00.000-05:00

The picture at the top of this post could have been taken at one of my games. Especially in one of the co-ed leagues. A red card for that? You must be mad! Heh, heh.

I've always disliked French cooking. After reading this, I hate it. Are the French naturally this repulsive, or do they have to try?

Beautiful day today. Too bad I was too sleepy to truly enjoy it. The Drool woke up last night and screamed for ten straight minutes. Ten minutes doesn't sound like a long time, does it? You try screaming for 5 minutes. 45 seconds seems like an eternity, doesn't it? I couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. Finally I said, "Want to listen to some music?" Turned up the volume on the classical music station that is always playing in his room. He stopped crying and put his head on my shoulder. A few minutes later, he was asleep. First time I've ever been thankful for MPR programming. About time I got something for my tax dollars. And I still hope Pawlenty cuts them off.

2003-05-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

This gives a whole new meaning to "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares." Tee hee hee.

2003-04-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

It's raining. Three good things about the rain:

1. I don't have to water my father-in-law's vegetable garden tomorrow.

2. It hasn't turned into sleet or started freezing on the roads (yet).

3. The local grassfire alert level has been lowered.

Three bad things about the rain:

1. A four year old who doesn't want to go play in the rain.

2. A one year old who does want to go play in the rain.

3. Smelly, wet dogs.

The Senator will be heading to bed soon. The Drool conked out about half an hour ago. The VP will be home late. It's rather peaceful watching the rain fall in the pasture and having some rare peace and quiet around here. I'd write more, but I'm missing a lot of wonderful nothing happening. See you tomorrow.

2003-04-29T21:30:00.000-05:00

Just got home from the annual Volunteer Appreciation Dinner hosted by the nursing home. Ah hem. Quiz time. Guess who was Cokato Manor's Volunteer of the Year (2002)? Guess who's got a mantle clock ingraved with the winners' names and a couple of bags of dog treats? Thaaaaaaat's right, folks. Hoocher and I won the big one tonight. I accepted on his behalf; he had a more pressing engagement rolling in dirt in the backyard, but he's extremely touched. We actually shared the top honor with another woman, a resident of the Manor who has entertains her fellow residents with piano music and generally brightens the whole place. I was a bit embarrassed to accept my award after she was wheeled up to accept hers. All I do is bring my lazy dog in once a week to shed on people's clothes and fall asleep in their laps. No talent or skill involved there. Still, it was pretty neat.

Well...off to bed. Tomorrow is a pre-school day, so if I can time The Drool's nap just right, I may have an opportunity to blog some more.

2003-04-29T12:21:00.000-05:00

Contrary to widely circulating reports...no, I'm not dead. I've been busy with assorted doctor visits and other chores, but I was reminded this morning that my 8 year old nephew, M., has been logging in to read my blog and has not been finding it. Thus, being the perfect aunt, I hastily corrected my oversights. Sorry, M. And just for your parents' sake, I'll leave out all the dirty words and raunchy jokes I was planning to share.

Sunday was my last co-ed indoor soccer game for the season. The game itself was awful; we were short-handed and unmotivated. But the ride in to the pavilion was awesome. Why? Because guess who got to drive the 'vette with the top down for the first time this spring? Who, me? Why yes, I guess that was me blazing down Hwy 394 in speeds in excess of...never mind. My mom reads this too. Let's just say....vrooooooom. Oh was that fun.

Monday was The Drool's one year check-up. He's doing fine. All his stats (height, weight, head circumference, genital size, etc.) are in the 95% percentile. The doctor's only comment was to be sure to keep a balanced diet now that he's switched over to table foods. "Especially proteins...many kids don't like to eat meat," she said. Not to worry. We have a steady diet of Asian Lady Beetles around here. Lots of good protein there.

Today was nursing home day. Hoocher made out like a bandit today. Two waffles, a handful of Cheetos, a couple of cookies, and a piece of gum. I had to revoke the gum priveleges, however, because a) gum is bad for dogs and b) this piece had already been chewed by someone else. He almost got a bunny today too. The daycare provider at the Manor found a litter of orphaned bunnies in her garden, and she brought them in for the kids and the residents to see. One of the residents put a bunny in her lap, and Hoocher put his paws up on her legs, picked the bunny up very gently in his mouth, and turned and tried to slink out of the room. The bunny was retrieved...alive and well, but wet.

Well, M., that's it for now. The Senator is waiting for me to join him outside to look at "a big, icky bug." I wouldn't miss it for the world. Give your brother a hug for me, and I'll try to post again soon. Love, Aunt Cathy

2003-04-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

Heh, heh, heh. Note to Human Shields.

Not much to say this morning. Robitussin is kicking in. Feel a little light headed. Today may involve much watching of television and a few trips to the doctors. Boys are sick too.

Quiet, you lousy dogs. Bark, bark, bark...all morning long. Cr*p. Dumpster Kitty made an appearance. Where's the 22? Fix Dumpster Kitty. Fix barking dogs. Might go to Iraq. Fix everything there while I'm at it. Got any problems need fixing?

More later if possible and I'm not dead.

2003-04-23T20:20:00.000-05:00

Happy Fun Pundit shows yet another face of John Kerry. And don't miss this one either.

2003-04-23T20:16:00.000-05:00

Last night the whole family went to bed early. Still tired from traveling and feeling a bit under the weather, I took some medication and was out cold by 9:45 p.m. At 11:00, I awoke from my cough syrup induced slumber to hear The Senator whisper in my ear, "Mom, I've got skid marks in my pants." Hawhaat? I shut my eyes and hoped I was dreaming.

Nope. He says it again. So I get up and we head to the bathroom where he takes off his pajamas and drops his drawers to expose...nothing. Clean underwear. He says, "Oh! I thought I had skid marks." When did you check? "Downstairs in the bathroom." Did you turn on the light? "No."

I slump to the floor. I can see myself driving him to work at the envelope-licking factory every day when he's forty. Sigh.

2003-04-21T23:13:00.000-05:00

Aloha! I'm home. Almost got back on the plane this morning when we landed and it was only 40 degrees outside and looked like rain. However, it was too long a stretch away from The Senator and The Drool and our 3 crazy dogs. I had a wonderful time, but there is something special about coming home to your own stuff. Your own bed. Ahhh.

Grandma and Grandpa and Nana and Buppa took excellent care of the boys. The VP and I are eternally grateful. Also, many thanks to Aunt S. and Uncle B. who invited The Senator for a sleepover with his cousins, and to Aunt E., who took The Senator shopping and played an Oscar-winning role of Fairy Godmother.

Speaking of Uncle B., I see he is finally back to posting. Yeah!

Wish I could have posted while on vacation. I was too cheap to pay $.20 a minute at the nearby cafe to sit on someone's discarded dorm furniture and use their computer. There was plenty to blog about...lots of hippies on Maui, don't ya know. And over on the neighboring island of Lanai, there's the rich folks to ridicule. The VP and I stayed at the Manele Bay Hotel for one night...just to see how the other half lives. They live very well. Want to know how you tell the true rich folks from the pretenders like us? Go to the swimming pool. See the two women in the pool? Who's the rich one? The one swimming in her tennis visor. See the two men in the pool? Which one would make an excellent second trophy husband? The one swimming in his sunglasses. Apparently the rich have something against getting their heads wet.

One thing I cannot make fun of...the food. We ate in the "casual dining" restaurant. The one you could get into without a jacket and tie. The one that discouraged wearing shorts. (oops) Our appetizer was a lettuce wrap of Hoisin chicken. Fabulous. The pork T-bone steak I had was very good. And the chocolate lava cake...I never wanted to eat again because I wanted that to be my last memory of food. I almost licked my plate.

So now I'm back. Tomorrow holds a bright day of many loads of laundry. But, the weather is supposed to be decent. I'll take anything above 50 degrees. And I have to call Aunt S. She took her P.O.S.T (cop certification test) exam while we were gone; can't wait to hear if we'll have yet another police officer in the family. Makes me feel very safe, and, I might add, a bit braver about doing 15 mph over the limit in certain areas of the suburbs.

I have a ton of blogosphere reading to catch up on...so hopefully I'll have some good links in the next couple of days. G'night.

2003-04-09T18:48:00.000-05:00

Not much time to write today...trying to clean, pack, deal with my bug-eating children...

But...here's a great joke over on Ballon Juice. And scroll down to take a look at the pictures of how much the people of Iraq obviously dislike us for our war of aggression. (Thanks to Steve H. at Little Tiny Lies for the tip.)

This will probably be it for the next 10 days, unless someone on the beach has a laptop with a wireless connection and doesn't mind me spilling my ~~drink~~ drinks on it. Aloha.

2003-04-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

If you don't have Chris Muir bookmarked...there might be something wrong with you.

2003-04-08T15:47:00.000-05:00

Frank at IMAO wraps up the war. I wonder how long it will be before our soldiers are hawking Saddam's stuff on eBay?

Steve H. at Little Tiny Lies has some new merchandise. I like the surrendering monkey. This would be great to have for the next Vikings/Packers game at the Dome. Because the Cheddarheads in Green Bay would think the surrendering monkey was one of their offensive linemen. Yeah, sure, the background is the French flag...but folks, we're talking about football fans from Wisconsin. Monkey + cheese + hands up in defeat = Green Bay in Minnesota. Heh, heh, heh.

Busy day so far. Went to the nursing home this morning. As we were walking by the nurses' station, a woman sees us and hollers, "So there is the famous Hoocher!" I have no idea who this woman was, but judging from her age, the walker, and the electronic monitoring device on her ankle...I'd say she wasn't a visitor. No point to this...other than to say my dog is better known than I am. His picture is up on the bulletin board outside the cafeteria. There is a Volunteer Appreciation banquet coming up at the end of April. My invitation was addressed to "Hoocher's Mom." My G*d people! I wear a name tag!

After the nursing home, it was back to the house to collect the other two dogs and head to the vet's for the annual heartworm checkup. Now that is a workout. Trying to keep two dogs from jumping out while clipping a leash onto a third; I must look like a contortionist. And The Crazyweiler, brave soul, urinated on the floor when a declawed cat hissed at him.

Done with the vets. Drop them back off at home. Then over to school to drop off some stuff for the Early Childhood Programs Director. This is the Week of the Young Child, and the Advisory Council is having a carnival on Saturday to round out the week of festivities. I won't be able to help because I will be sipping potent alcoholic beverages on a beach on Maui that day...so I've tried to help out with as much of the leg work as I could. It's all handed off now. Ahhh...nothing left to do but pack.

Maybe I should get an early start on that drink....

2003-04-07T19:47:00.000-05:00

I meant to post this the other day but got too busy. Rachel Lucas posted these photos of our troops. What's the Sleep Number for dirt road hard or mud puddle soft? Seeing photos like these makes me want to strangle folks who don't support our troops. To all the Brits, Aussies, Poles, and Americans who are sleeping tonight like this: Thank you.

2003-04-07T19:36:00.000-05:00

Heh, heh, heh. No comment needed on this picture.

2003-04-07T19:31:00.000-05:00

Today's Excellent Reason for the Hate-America Crowd to move to Luxembourg:

Political parties include a Green Party, a Socialist Workers' Party, and a Marxist and Reformed Communist Party. Everyone finds a niche!

Information from CountryReports.

2003-04-07T09:46:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I'm not feeding this boy enough.

I've been trying to get some work done this morning, and so I'm typing and letting The Drool crawl around on the floor in here. I type...I peek at him. Type...peek. Playing with my slippers. That's okay. Type...peek. Want to push the buttons on the carbon monoxide detector? Fine...hit the Test button, pal. That'll take care of your constipation problems. Type...peek. He found another lady bug. In the mouth it goes before I can cross the room to pry it out of his fingers.

Trying to remove bugs from his mouth is a whole new challenge now that he has seven teeth. I wish I had one of those cool suction machines that our dentist office has. I need new technology.

As I've mentioned earlier, the VP and I are going on vacation. We leave the end of this week. A pre-requisite for any trip that doesn't include children is that one or both of the boys will get sick right before we leave. Last Friday, I took The Drool in to have his ears checked. Just to be certain. The doctor apologized that she didn't find anything. Me: "Are you kidding? That's the best $20 (our copay) I've ever spent." Could it be we might escape the state with everyone healthy? Umm...No. This morning at 4, The Senator comes upstairs to tell me,

"Mom, I had a dream about bumblebees. And my throat hurts. And my nose is hard." (His version of stuffy)

Swell.

The next couple of days are going to be crazy trying to get ready for the trip, but I will do my best not to disappoint those interested in The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg. I'll try to post my Excellent Reason a little later.

2003-04-06T08:14:00.000-05:00

Geographical data for today's Excellent Reason to move to Luxembourg is brought to you by CountryReports.

Luxembourg is slightly smaller than the state of Rhode Island. What does this mean for you? If you have a Save the Greater Horsehoe Bat demonstration in Troisvierges at 8:00 a.m. and you need to travel to the other end of the country to Remich by noon to chain yourself to a beech tree doomed for clear-cutting... it can be done!

Hate America? Move to the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg!

2003-04-05T08:25:00.000-06:00

Doing a little early morning surfing, and came across this post at Samizdata. It's nice to have someone taking a stand for us rather than a swing at us. Made my day. Thank you.

This post also made me think of the loud, boorish folks who do live here and seem to hate our country. I used to think it was cute but infantile to suggest to the Hate-America Crowd that if they don't like it here, they should leave. I'm changing my mind. Not only am I FOR their leaving, but I'm willing to help. I'm going to fine them a NEW country. Somewhere far from the eeeevil USA. A gentler, kinder country. One that's not highlighted in the news every other day. A fresh start. And I think I've found one. After much research (looking at a couple of web sites), I present to the Hate-America Crowd the alternative country of:

The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg.

Each day I post, I will make an effort (a small one) to showcase some great feature about why YOU (H.A.C.) should consider moving to Luxembourg. Today's Excellent Reason can be verified by opening your world atlas:

The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg is landlocked in the middle of the Axis of Weasles: France, Germany, and Belgium. You would be surrounded by three of your biggest Hate-America Allies!

This fact alone might bring out the passports, but if you're not convinced...stay tuned. More Excellent Reasons to follow!

2003-04-04T09:22:00.000-06:00

Today's Joke brought to you by Right Wing News who got it from Expect Nothing.

All six of Saddam's doubles were called to a meeting today to be briefed as to what their job over the next few days would be. Each of them came eagerly to see what their great leader had in mind for them and also because they were worried after not hearing from him after the initial bombings. Uday came into the conference room with his bodyguards behind him.

"I have good news and bad news." Uday said.

"The good news is that Saddam is alive and well so you all may keep your jobs!"

The lookalikes all cheered and praised Saddam and Allah.

"The bad news is that Saddam lost an eye and an arm."

2003-04-04T08:54:00.000-06:00

Why I'm in a BAAAAD Mood This Morning

How do you guys do it? How? Yesterday I was IN THE RIGHT! I had MY stuff on the calendar. My stuff had been written on the calendar for a month. GUESS who ended up dragging the kids to the council meeting at school and skipping her soccer game because HE couldn't find childcare? Well, sure, I could have waited until 6 p.m. and hoped either the VP or a babysitter was going to show up, but if they didn't, I wouldn't have had time to email my teammates and call the school to see if they could provide childcare. And leaving the kids home alone was not an option. Not since I caught The Drool eating ladybugs, anyway.

After changing all my plans, my mother-in-law did call and offer to babysit (icy roads changed her plans) but my evening was already shot. Besides...we're sticking her and my father-in-law with some major babysitting duties while we're on vacation, and I try hard not to abuse such a valuable resource.

Note to the VP: A "Thank-You" would go a long ways towards alleviating my black mood.

Why I Have a Great Family

Yesterday was bleak for another reason. My parents had the family dog put to sleep. She was old and sick and miserable, and it was time. It was just incredibly difficult to make that decision and do it. My mom called me at 8 a.m. to let me know it was going to happen that afternoon. I immediately offered to come in and go with Dad to the vet's or come by and stay with her. My older brother had already offered to leave work and do the same thing. My sister, who worked all night the night before and had to testify in court at 8:30 a.m., went over as soon as she could to keep my folks company. I didn't hear about my younger brother, but I know we can count on him as well. Makes me feel very lucky to have siblings like this.

Humorous or Horrendous...You decide

Yesterday The Senator and I were shopping at Target. As we’re paused in front of an aisle of cleaning products he says, “Mom, is this Ka-Boom?” I look up and see him pointing to a purple bottle of cleaning fluid that indeed says Ka-Boom on the label.

Yes, Honey, that is Ka-Boom. How did you know that. (I’ve never heard of it.)

“It cleans deeply without hurting the surface,” he says.

I stood there with my mouth open. Laugh or cry? Laugh or cry?

2003-04-03T07:52:00.000-06:00

Showdown! At approximately 6:45 a.m., the battle began.

Me: You remember I've got an advisory council meeting at school tonight, right? And a game after that...can you be home by 6?

The VP: (pause) Oh cr*p. I've got a PR meeting with the Grand Lodge tonight.

Me: Wasn't on the calendar. (tumbleweed and eerie, whistle-like music...)

Yeeeesssss! I've got him. I can't tell you how many times I've had to change my plans because I made the fatal error of not writing it on the calendar.

The VP: (longer pause) You know...I was just thinking last night, 'I wonder if I put that on the calendar?'

Me: You didn't. (must not smirk)

The VP: (sigh) Well.....I guess I can call Nana and Buppa and see if they can babysit.

Me: Whatever you need to do to arrange childcare is fine with me, Honey. I'm sure you'll get it taken care of, and I know I can stop worrying about it because I HAD MY COMMITMENT ON THE CALENDAR! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Okay, I didn't add the evil laugh, but I was thinking about it.

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha. That felt good.

2003-04-02T11:19:00.000-06:00

More on the lighter side today...Emperor Misha shares this joke.

I don't know what to think about this guy.

I wouldn't like to see anyone fighting against his/her will. But this little sapling signed up on his own. Did he think he was signing up for the Mariners Corp Reserves? Was he hoping to play a little A league baseball? With cool-looking albeit bulky camo uniforms? I'm not sure we want to put a rifle in this whelp's hands. Here's what I would like to see happen: we let this guy out with no disciplinary action other than he pays complete restitution for any time, training, food, or other resources the U.S. Government has spent on him. That and a slap upside the back of his head for turning himself in while wearing his fatigues. I'll admit I'm ignorant of military protocol and etiquette, (The Senator and I salute the flag whenever we see it, which the VP tells me is not proper because the salute is a military greeting and not performed by civilians) but seems to me if this poor puppy wants to be a civilian, then dress like one.

Make it a really hard slap. Maybe with a cast-iron skillet.

2003-04-02T10:51:00.000-06:00

You'd be a surrender monkey too if this was the extent of your weaponry. (Via Grouchy Old Cripple)

2003-03-31T21:45:00.000-06:00

Heh, heh, heh. I like this map. (Compliments of Curmudgeonly & Skeptical)

2003-03-31T09:17:00.000-06:00

Another reason I love my guv: Pawlenty Wants Antiwar Protesters Sentenced to Pay Their Own Arrest Costs

"We don't begrudge people the right to protest peacefully and lawfully about whatever the topic is," he said. "But when they go so far as to say we're going to purposely go out and get arrested as a device to get attention and purposely burden the law enforcement system for their own P.R. purposes, it's reasonable to ask for some reimbursement to pay for the cost of the arrest."

Oh, I know, I know. It probably will never happen. People will scream about free speech, etc. And since I'm guessing that most of these ~~losers~~ protesters don't have a regular source of income, the state probably would not recover any of the fines anyway. But the principle...maybe if a protester racked up enough arrests and fines we could call it a felony and take away their vote. How to win friends and influence people...here's your choice: You can vote...or you can block traffic, interrupt the flow of daily commerce, and make yourself an inimical to public safety.

2003-03-31T08:54:00.000-06:00

I have not commented on Minnesota politics as of yet. That changes as of NOW. I take this moment to address the governor of our state, Mr. Tim Pawlenty:

I love you, Man! (sniff)

He's ending welfare for Hollywood-types. Yeeeesss!

2003-03-31T08:43:00.000-06:00

I have one question after reading this article about a man taunting a police dog. Officer Osborne, why didn't you just lower the window?

2003-03-29T12:06:00.000-06:00

Okaaaaaaaaaay! That's it. Vacation is OFF! My dad, hereafter to be known as Professor Undermine, sent the following email for publication:

The VP and Chairman of this site are abandoning their parental responsibilities to loll in Hawaiian sunshine for a while. Not to worry, however, because the Senator and Drool will be cared for, well and properly. They’ll enter into custody of the maternal and paternal grandparents, in sequence, and the old school will impose discipline and structure that’s so obviously lacking in the boys’ lives.

For example, the VP and Chairman require that the Senator not ask for candy or ice cream but to wait until he’s invited to have some. Manners? Humbug! How can a boy develop initiative, if he lacks the discipline to make known his needs? We—the VPs and Chairmen, emeriti—will correct this parental oversight by teaching the Senator to communicate silently his dire need of sweets. It seems promising to work on telepathy in the framework of his sibling’s nickname—Drool.

We also hope to enhance the Senator’s interest in classic literature, by which we don’t mean the books read to him. Rather, we’re thinking of “Tom and Jerry,” “Bugs Bunny,” the “Road Runner” and “Yosemite Sam.” Perhaps even “Sponge Bob, Square Pants” and “The Power Puff Girls.” His literary diet, heretofore, has been restricted to low-calorie—a mere taste of this feast of literature.

We plan to offer instruction in chemistry, too. He will learn, through experimentation, that peanuts are a catalyst that will cause strawberries and chocolate to react with ice cream, creating a sundae. Counting sprinkles will enhance his arithmetic skills, and he’ll learn about higher mathematics, through exposure to the concept of infinity. You know, unlimited!

Philosophy also is on our schedule. We’re planning to expose the Senator to the rule of the house of his Uncle J. “At my house, there are no rules,” as Uncle J. previously has explained to the Senator’s cousins, M., 8, and J., 6. The cousins found delight in the knowledge that one can truly concentrate on Game Boy at midnight, while the rest of the world is asleep. In our houses, the Senator will strengthen his sense of initiative by determining his own bedtime. The VP and Chairman will appreciate being able to continue this delegation of responsibility.

The Chairman is a second child who knows that picture taking stops after the first-born. The VP is a first-born who recognizes this is the natural order. However, we emeriti won’t be ignoring poor little Drool. It’s just that he’s too young to benefit thoroughly from our careful instruction. Not that we won’t try, however. For example, visitors to this site already know that he says, “Ma-Ma.” We will teach him other useful words, such as “Froot Loops” and the ever popular, “No!”

As a bonus, the Chairman and VP, themselves, will benefit from our instruction of the Senator and Drool. It is our delight to educate the parents in the many nuances of meaning within that wonderful noun, “Payback!”

(p.s., don’t worry about the dogs. A near-sighted coach invited the Crazyweiller to attend football camp, and he’s taking the other two along as an entourage.)

Think he's joking? Not in the least. I've seen him in action. He's got a "Say No to a War on Refined Sugar!" sign in his front yard. I've seen The Senator handed a spoon and a bowl of ice cream before he's taken off his coat. We've left the boys with them for a weekend before...it took eight days to undue the damage.

(sniff) I'm watching the plane tickets burn in the wood stove...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

2003-03-29T08:30:00.000-06:00

How the war will be won with a box of Junior Mints.

Uhhhhh...I'm still tired. The Senator woke me up at 4:30 this morning. "Mom, I had a bad dream. The cats weren't being very nice to me." Sigh. I thought I poisoned all the cats around here. Okay, crawl in bed with us. An hour later, The Drool is singing into the monitor. Not a few quiet notes, but chorus-from-"Annie" type of singing. Sh*t. Got up, fixed his breakfast, went into his room to change his diaper, and the little rat-b*stard is asleep. Asleep! After the thoughts of infantcide passed, I began to wonder if I should get him checked for narcolepsy. Tossed his food into the fridge, and went back to bed. The VP woke about 6:30, and woke me up shortly afterwards by saying, "The Drool is talking away in his crib; I think he's ready to get up." Must. Not. Wrap. Fingers. Around. Husband's. Neck. And. Kill. Him. Might go to jail. Very bad idea.

So I'm up for the day. Chance of a nap? About the same odds as leftovers appearing on Michael Moore's plate.

2003-03-28T21:12:00.000-06:00

Nothin. I've got nothin. I'm too tired. It's about 9 p.m., and I can't wait to go to sleep. In college, this was the time we would start getting ready to go out to the bars. Now I would need a potent cocktail of alcohol and drugs to make going out sound even remotely appealing.

No preschool this week; our district is on spring break. This has thrown off my schedule. And Lileks took a couple of days off too. I can't tell you how that throws off my mornings. I keep thinking it's Saturday. Thanks a bunch, James.

The bright light at the end of the tunnel is this. I will be there in a week and a half. With the VP. Without The Senator and The Drool. Ahhhh. No dogs barking at 3 in the morning. No wet rain turning into snow. No getting up at 6 a.m. Time for the soccer bruises to heal. Time to take a nap...maybe two...each day. Time to eat fresh pineapple until my tongue blisters.

It will be wonderful. For about 36 hours. And then I will miss the boys so much that I will be miserable for the rest of the trip. But, I will be crying my eyes out in 80 degree weather while listening to the ocean.

More tomorrow. The Drool is finally asleep. The Senator just went to bed. Peace and quiet. G'Night.

2003-03-26T20:38:00.000-06:00

Move on if adorable kid quotes bore you. I'm full of them this evening.

Last night, The Senator went shopping with Nana and Buppa. Nana mentioned that they were coming over to our house for dinner later in the evening, and was The Senator looking forward to meatloaf?

No, Nana, I'm not.

Why not? Don't you like meatloaf?

No.

Why don't you like meatloaf?

Because my mom puts poison in it.

Haawhaaat? I don't know where he got that idea. I'm very careful to peel the label off the arsenic before I put it away in the spice cupboard. If the mothers of his classmates suddenly start turning down our playdate/lunch invitations, I'll know why.

Another good one from The Senator. He was outside helping Buppa with some general guy-type farm work, and they moved our 4-wheeler out of the barn and parked it in the grass. Buppa mentioned he was going to leave it outside so the rain would wash the bird poop off of it. The Senator asks,

How did it get bird poop on it?

The birds fly in the barn, Senator, and they settle on the rafters and their poop fell on the 4-wheeler.

Do they aim their heinies at it?

That's my boy.

And finally...The Drool said his first word today. And being the good boy he is and knowing I would cut him out of the will if he didn't come through for me...he said, "Ma-ma" clear as a bell. And he meant me. He was sitting in his playpen, and I walked into the room. He put down his toy, pulled himself up to standing, reached out his hand and said, "Ma-ma." (sniff)

That's it for tonight. The Drool went to bed early, and I will soon follow. Had a late game last night followed by a 2:30 a.m. wake-up call because Dumpster Kitty was taunting my dogs by playing in our driveway right outside the mudroom window. May have to feed Dumpster Kitty some ~~arsenic~~ meatloaf.

2003-03-25T12:08:00.000-06:00

Alllllright. That's it. Steve over at Little Tiny Lies has called me an instigator. Slander! Defamation of character! I'll sue! And don't even think about offering an out of court settlement. That is, of course, unless you're willing to part with a certain brownie recipe with exact ingredient measurements.... You really expect me to wait for your book?

Speaking of, er, instigating...HEY! TERPSBOY! What do you think you can do with tom + daschle + crossdressing?

A pause in the action....Oooh! Look out Dumpster Kitty!

Just went to let the dogs outside. After practicing on the German Shepherd pup the other day (see below), my dogs almost got a chance for an encore presentation. Poor Dumpster Kitty made it out of the backyard by a few black hairs.

I don’t like cats, but I have some respect for Dumpster Kitty. I first saw him when I was hauling some trash down to our dumpster. It was dusk, and I was just about to pitch my garbage in when a small black streak came leaping out over the side. Scared the sh*t out of me. Lousy cat. But, unlike other pampered felines…I like this guy because he makes it on his own. He’s a scavenger. No one is bringing him Fancy Feast in a monogrammed bowl. No dolphin-safe tuna for this outcast. He’s like the guy who scrapes together a living working at Taco Bell while his cohorts enjoy free hand-outs from the State. I’ve tried giving this guy handouts. He won’t take ‘em.

Poor Dumpster Kitty was basking in the backyard. He found the one small patch of dry grass and was having a snooze. I let the dogs out the back door, and didn’t see D.K. until the last canine tail was out of my reach. With all the mud in the yard, I thought he was just another patch of wet dirt. However, as soon as the sound waves of panting dogs hit his ears, he was up and running and he made it to the fence and was a distant black blur in a matter of seconds. I think he left lives 5, 6, and 7 in the back yard along with some runny stool samples, but he made it.

Note to my dogs: Sneaking up on someone works a lot better if you’re not howling, panting, and slobbering.

Well...time to go surf and see what else is new on the web. More later, unless I get a chance to take a nap. Priorities, folks. Priorities.

2003-03-24T09:49:00.000-06:00

Worthy Cause Alert

Natalie over at Pickle Juice has started Operation Civilian Support. Her goal:

Accept donations to purchase "care package" items for the families - a lot of these people have lost their sole breadwinner and everything that is donated to them is one less thing they'll have to purchase.

Accept donations to purchase small gifts for the children of our troops - to try to perk them up in some small way.

Accept notes of encouragement and well-wishes for the family.

Connect family members with willing pen-pals - if you have a child perhaps s/he would like to keep in contact with the child of a service member? Or you could offer yourself as a sympathetic ear to the spouse the service member left behind?

Get your cursor over there and do your part!

2003-03-24T09:32:00.000-06:00

Maybe this is not a fair comparison, but isn't giving Michael Moore the Academy Award for Best Documentary a bit like giving Yasser Arafat the Nobel Peace Prize? Or giving Libya the chair on the Human Rights Commission?

2003-03-24T08:30:00.000-06:00

If you do nothing else today...get over to Curmudgeonly & Skeptical. Following up on my comments about a de-clothed Nancy Pelosi, he offers a blighting glance of what just might lie beneath. Let your curser hover over the picture, but do it AFTER you have eaten!

He's got several other photos that are fantastic and won't sear your vision. Like this!

More later if The Drool's battery ever runs low.

2003-03-23T08:43:00.000-06:00

A couple of housekeeping things before I move on to the review of Piglet’s BIG Movie.

I was looking at my site meter the other day, and I saw that someone came across my site by Googling “nancy + pelosi + nude.” Ewwwwwwwwwwwww! Who in the world wants to see…I can’t finish the thought. How is the h*ll did my site come up for that search? I have mentioned Ms. Pelosi once, and it certainly had no reference to a lack of clothing.

If you enjoyed Lt. Smash (mentioned in a previous post), his address has changed. You can find him here.

Today over on A Small Victory, Michele links to an article about more Human Shields not watching where they are walking and bumping into reality.

This guy is Curmudgeonly & Skeptical, and I think I’m going to have to add him to the blog roll. I liked the post about “Golden Books that didn’t make it.”

Piglet’s BIG Movie! I have no review of the contents of the movie itself. It appears to be the same as the other Pooh movies we have at home on tape. Character feels neglected, becomes lost or missing. Other characters come to the realization of how much the missing character means to them and they all pitch in to try and help find their lost/missing pal. Brief, semi-traumatic moment before the Big Happy Ending.

The only interesting part for me was the clip of Carly Simon singing songs at the end. Man…I like her voice, but she should stick with non-visual mediums. I am generally not one who would ever make much out of appearances, but where your livelihood is at stake…Do they even sell tickets in the front rows at her concerts?

The movie-going experience itself was fantastic. This was The Senator’s first trip to a movie theater. Well, second, actually. This was the first time he made it into a seat. The VP took him to see a movie last year, but the dark scared him and he started hollering, “Carry me outta here, Dad!” No yelling yesterday. I offered to hold his hand as we walked into the dark room, but he scornfully told me, “No, Mom. I’m not scared.”

The Senator enjoyed himself. The movie was entertaining, and made even more special by the expensive, giant box of Dots. I don’t like Dots myself, but they kept him from asking questions every couple of minutes. The questions he did ask were uttered at TOP VOLUME so he could be sure they were heard over the movie. Not that anyone would notice. The whole theater had a kind of “small child white noise” going throughout the show. One kid decided to join the on-screen characters searching for their lost pal and wandered through the aisles calling, “Pigggglet! Pigggglet!” Hey, kid! I think he’s just outside that door with the big EXIT sign! (This poor girl…she was far more amusing than annoying and her mom was on her right away. Funny how responsible parents can make most situations a lot more tolerable.)

To condense the rest of the afternoon: we had a great time. Going with Cousin R., Aunt E, and Uncle M. made it even better.

That’s it for now. The Drool is taking his morning nap, and I think I will try to do the same.

2003-03-21T20:34:00.000-06:00

I wasn't going to post today. Too busy cleaning. Have you seen the shows on TV like "Nature's Fury" or "When Mother Earth Fights Back"? You remember the scene where the raging river triggers the enormous mud slide? Our backyard looks like what's left after the mud stops flowing. Add three dogs and a four year old...You could grow corn in our back hallway. Hey! Maybe this isn't so bad. If I can get the west side of the house zoned agricultural, I might be able to wrangle a subsidy out of the deal.

The Senator was watching his favorite cartoon this morning, and he came upstairs pretending he was Yosemite Sam. I told him to have a seat because breakfast was ready. He says, "Great Horny Toots!" Um...buddy, I think Sam says, 'Great Horny Toads.' "No, Mom, it's TOOTS!" Wonderful. I hope that one makes the rounds at pre-school.

And here's my contribution to war-blogging. I came across a new site (I think I found the link on Instapundit) written by one of our guys who's over in Iraq. Writing from the front. Pretty interesting.

And Charles over at Little Green Footballs posted this picture. Notice the chickensh*t on the far right holding the sign. I wonder if he's worried that his Mom and Dad might see his face and cut off his trust fund. Nothing says Serious Protestor like anonymity.

That's all, folks. Tomorrow is a big day. The Senator and I are relinquishing The Drool to Nana and Buppa, and we are going to meet Cousin R. and Aunt E. and Uncle M. for PIGLET'S BIG MOVIE!

2003-03-20T09:37:00.000-06:00

Morning. I add no qualifiers yet.

Last night life did get a lot better. I went out later in the evening to shut the garage door, and found a small pot of daisies on the bumper of my car. Sharon, the owner of the puppy, dropped them by with a thank-you card. (sniff) I called her to see how the puppy was doing and we talked for an hour.

And, to my shock and awe...The Senator got his pajamas on and brushed his teeth while I was on the phone. All. By. Himself.

Those of you with perfect children may find this hard to believe...but around here, it often takes three reminders and a threat to get these simple tasks done.

Of course, as a reward for this model behavior, I let him stay up and watch one final cartoon before bed. He chose "Powerpuff Girls." Ummm...let's not tell Dad about this one, okay? The unseen reward in this for me was that I knew he would sleep late. He's still in bed right now. Meh heh. The Drool is taking his morning nap. A few quiet minutes....

Not much else to say that isn't being said all over the blogosphere. I was a little disappointed to read Glenn Reynolds comments about Salam Pax...the writer behind Where is Raed?. Look on the blog roll to the left. Salam is writing from Iraq, and I like getting his perspective. Glenn brings up the question of whether or not Salam is real or a propaganda tool. Well...I really want to believe this is legit. I don't think he comes across as pro-Saddam at all. I have wondered, however, how he managed to avoid being shut down by Saddam's goons. Hmm..go read and decide for me. I'm still to tired from yesterday to make any decisions.

More later if time and children permit. Have a good day.

2003-03-19T19:50:00.000-06:00

I'm glad I had the chance to say "Good Morning" earlier because it sure was a crappy afternoon.

I dropped off The Senator at preschool, and The Drool fell asleep right as we pulled in the driveway back home. He was good for a long nap. Life just doesn't get any better than this. A full hour and a half ALL TO MYSELF! Or so I thought. I just sat down to write and surf and enjoy the peace and quiet when I hear, "WHHHRRAAAAAAAAAAH," repeatedly from the backyard. Looking out the window, I see a small German Shepherd pup on the outside of the fence. My three dogs are going bananas, and this poor pup is crying on the outside of the fence as though he wants to get inside. Big Mistake, Dude! He's already looking wet and bedraggled...must have crossed the river behind the house. So I slip on some boots and head out to get him. Before I can reach him...one of my dogs pulled the poor guy through the fence. Now, our fence is comprised of feedlot panels, so there are about 5" square openings...but still. Ouch. Once they got him inside, my b*stard dogs started playing catch with this puppy. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, kicking whatever canine I could, and looking for something to club the Crazyweiler. He was the worst of the three. I finally got a sound blow to the Crazyweiler's groin and he backed off long enough for me to grab his collar and drag him to the back door. F*CK! Backdoor was still locked! Undid the gate and dragged him to the garage. Rounded up the other two and contained them as well.

I headed back inside and grabbed some chicken scraps and the portable phone and called the vet. Awesome guy, Dr. Peterson. He shows up and sedates the pup and gives him a quick check-up. Amazingly, puppy is doing fairly well. Limping, but no broken bones. Lots of slobber. Tag says he belongs to a family on the other side of the river - just a few minutes away. Dr. Peterson mentioned that they had posted a Missing Dog poster at the local gas station. Dr. P. takes the puppy with him (I have to go pick up the Senator by this time) and I go inside to call the owner. I felt so embarrassed. "Hey, I found your dog. My dogs worked him over good." But, the woman was very nice, and was so relieved to hear that her puppy was found. I told her that Dr. P. was going to send any bills to me, but I'm not even sure she heard me. She said she had just been over to our side of the river the day before calling for the puppy. We were both crying by the time I hung up the phone. I'm glad this pup is going to make it back home. And the woman used to raise Rottweilers...so I think she understands about the Crazyweiler protecting his property.

So tonight, I'm hoarse, I'm aching, and I'm ready to send all three of these canine disasters to meet their 72 virgins.

On the bright side...The Drool is going down early tonight, and The Senator has a new DVD to watch! The VP has a lodge meeting tonight. Ahhh....after 8:30 p.m. it will just be me, the computer, and a cold MGD.

Good Luck to the Troops! Come home soon and come home safe!
G'Night.

2003-03-19T08:27:00.000-06:00

Good Morning.

The Grouchy Old Cripple in Atlanta has an excellent reason to USE YOUR MASTERCARD!

2003-03-18T14:25:00.000-06:00

Good afternoon -

Nursing home day again...Hoocher was remarkably well-behaved. I was very proud. Several staff members commented on how Hoocher is "so good" with the patients and that must be because of the extensive training he's had. This dog won't even sit down for me unless I have a biscuit in my hand. He's just so mellow and, well, lazy, that he comes across as well-behaved.

I got a great email today in response to my bug complaints from yesterday. Natalie over at Pickle Juice (a fellow Minnesotan and 3-canine sufferer) gave me a tip about spraying with soapy water. I'm heading outside as soon as I'm done here. Hope it works, because these d*mn lady bugs keep showing up out of nowhere. Go look at Natalie's site; lots of good stuff, especially if you're a parent.

Speaking of dog sufferers...last night we had a thunderstorm. Dish-rattling thunder. The Crazyweiler is terrified of thunder. So at 2:30 in the morning...I'm sitting in the mudroom with all three of my crazy dogs trying to soothe them back to sleep. High maintenance pain-in-the-asses.

Hopefully I'll have more time to write later. The Drool is gnawing on my ankle. Before I go...anyone hear if Saddam and Uday left Baghdad?

2003-03-17T16:51:00.000-06:00

This is a great cartoon. Go back and read 'em all!

2003-03-17T14:16:00.000-06:00

Wretched Blogger! Keeps losing my posts! Ugh.

Try again:

Good afternoon, and I hope you had a fine weekend.

Today’s Highlight: The Drool just ate a ladybug. Or Asian Lady Beetle. Or whatever the h*ll they’re called these days. He got the wings off her, but I managed to retrieve the head and some other black, body-type stuff before they went down the gullet. Silly bug. We have these things in our house year round. Why don’t they die? Are they trying to overstep the cockroach as the most indestructible bug? I hate these things.

The snow is just about all gone. While I really look forward to the return of warmer weather, I also hate to see the last of the snow because it means the farkin’ mosquitoes are due in a week.

While surfing yesterday, I came across a link for some nude peace protestors. Andrea Harris (from Tim Blair) wrote about a group of peaceniks at the site www.nudeforpeace.org. I didn’t link it because it doesn’t come up today. Might have been overrun with traffic from the blogosphere. Anyway, you’re not missing much. A bunch of unattractive women (one man - from the waist up) who posed nude and way too close to the camera. They all had messages written on their bodies, and most of them posed with their fingers pointing at the messages as if to remind us that if our retinas weren’t already burned beyond repair, they have something important to share with us. I wish, I wish, I wish someone who knows Photoshop could have revised one of these photos to change the message to: “My boyfriend went to France, and all I got was this flaming case of crabs!”

Sorry, Mom, if you’re reading this.

Tomorrow night is my mens’ team. Can’t wait. Last night my co-ed team played. We got hammered 7-1. I played net. In spite of what that score might lead you to surmise about my skills…I did a pretty good job.

Time to go pick up The Senator from school. Bye just now! (That’s for my Scottish friend, Steven)

2003-03-15T08:29:00.000-06:00

I find myself in the unusual position of having some free time to write. The Drool woke up at 5:15 this morning, and so now at 8:00, he is already taking a nap. The Senator won't be up for another hour at least...Time to surf and write.

This morning I thought I would highlight a couple of good things that have come from the Left. Don't refresh your screen. I know you won't often see "good" and "Left" in the same sentence here, but when the Left does get something right, it behooves me to reward them and thereby encourage the repetition of such behavior.

The first pat on the back goes to Senator Zen Miller (D-Georgia). Go read the Grouchy Old Cripple. Scroll down to where he has Mr. Miller's speech from the Senator floor. (In bold) Bravo Senator Miller.

The second smiley face goes to House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi. I really, really do not like this woman. But I was amazed that a Democratic leader came out and called for Rep. Jim Moran to step down. I know that's not going out on a limb; he was probably going to leave on his own. And it would have taken an incredible amount of gall to NOT say anything given the Democratic tantrums over Trent Lott. But, this is the Left. I would have been less surprised to see them stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it was not an issue. So Ms. Pelosi surprised me. Good for her.

Scooby snacks all around!

A small milestone for me: My site meter registered my 100th hit! Look out Glenn Reynolds. I'm not sure who all is stopping by, besides my family and a few soccer friends...but thanks!

2003-03-14T13:03:00.000-06:00

Please, Sir, may I have some more?

Tomorrow is Eat an Animal for PETA Day. And the weather promises to be perfect for grilling! The Drool, The Senator, and I are headed to the grocery store right now. Mmmmmm....boneless, aged, New York Strip steaks....The Drool better hurry up with those new teeth.

Besides a hard-hitting interview with himself...Mean Mr. Mustard posts a quote from conservative humorist, PJ O'Rourke. Excellent.

More good news from the homefront: The Drool's ear infection finally cleared up and we will not be making a visit to the ENT specialist to discuss tubes. Yet. A lot of kids I know have had tubes in their ears. Apparently...not a big deal. But the idea of putting tubes in his ears makes me think I'm going to be able to tuck some rabbit ears in the back of his shirt and watch the local news on his forehead.

Going out to dinner with the VP tonight. Going to get an early start on Eat Meat for PETA day. Mmm.

2003-03-13T14:14:00.000-06:00

I don't have much time to write, but I got this in an email from a friend and thought it was great. I apologize because it didn't have the author listed...I wish I could give credit to the right person.

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men!

How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the floor.... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother smells
alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and cigarette smoke from a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than Sherlock Holmes would. And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.

So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely only on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap!

And she'd lay some stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my ass...You want the job done?

Call my mother.

2003-03-12T19:58:00.000-06:00

The Drool has declared Baby Jihad in the house tonight. The VP issued an immediate Code Red alert. Four new teeth have broken through the gums, and they are taking no prisoners. No one is safe. It is difficult to battle these almost invisible enemies. We will deploy our chemical weapons as soon as we find them, but we just might be out of the Infant Tylenol. Oh G*D! Look out! He's wrapping his lips around the Crazyweiler's nose! THIS COULD BE...oh my...oh...ick. The Crazyweiler sneezed. I'm going to vomit. Where's the Clorox?

Later...

The Drool has been detained in Cribtanamo Bay. All appeals to Amnesty International will be ignored. We plan to use mostly humane methods to subdue the little terrorist.

On a more serious note...I found another good web site today. I've added Happy Fun Pundit to the list. I hope these guys do a "Nationality of the Month" with John Kerry.

Also, if you like political cartoons...check out Cox & Forkum. Can't wait for their book to arrive.

2003-03-11T17:39:00.000-06:00

Well don't I feel like a Star-Belly Sneetch! Steve H. at Little Tiny Lies has me on his blog roll! My very first listing. (I'm not counting my brother because he's family and I would have to cry and tell on him if he didn't have me on his blog roll.)

Thank you Steve! For a brand new small-time blogger like me...it means a lot!

2003-03-11T17:29:00.000-06:00

Well...I started out the day in a great mood. When we left for the nursing home this morning, the temperature was almost 20 degrees. That's about 25 degrees warmer than it felt like yesterday. And now it's snowing. Cr*p! I have a game tonight, and I don't want to drive in on a layer of slush. Hopefully the precipitation will continue as snow. Much better than drizzling ice, which sounds like a possibility for tomorrow. When I have to drive into town again. Double cr*p.

The snow also covered up some of the more recent holes that Breezy has dug in the back yard. I watched the Crazyweiler tear out the back door, stumble in one of the aforementioned holes, flip his stubby hind end up over his ears, land on his back, and try to make a snow angel while righting himself. I could be $10,000 richer if I would just carry my video camera around this house.

Not much time to surf today, but this made me laugh. I know a couple of vegetarians, and in their defense, I must say that they are not the holier-than-thou type who profess moral superiority for their lifestyle choices. But...this is funny. Thanks to Clubbeaux for the link.

2003-03-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

Our skiing weekend was fun. Especially since we didn't have to go skiing. Too d*mn cold. We did go hiking in the Uppguaard Wildlife Management Area, but there were lots of trees to shelter us from the howling winds.

I love getting together with these friends. The Czech and her husband are loads of fun. She is very active and loves to plan events and get out and DO things. Her husband, on the other hand, worked furiously all Friday evening and made a trip into the nearest town to get an adapter so his DVD player would work with the ancient television. A great couple.

The Scot and her girlfriend are also very out-doorsy, active gals. (The women were the only ones hiking on Saturday; the guys went shopping.) The Scot is the kind of friend that you can not see for a couple of months, but then get together and feel as though you had just been with her the night before. That's a good thing for me, because I'm not the best about making efforts to get together. We would probably see each other a lot less still if it weren't for the Czech organizing different events.

I was a little worried about the VP this trip because he's quite a bit more conservative that the others. So am I, but I have a long history with these friends, and I can let a lot roll off my back. With the Iraq war looming, everyone seems to be a lot more sensitive about everything political...not just war. But, the VP held his tongue the whole time. The Scot's girlfriend made a few remarks that I thought might make the VP blow, but he managed to bite his lip. Oddly enough, no one questioned the blood trickling down his chin.

It was nice coming back home. I love coming home after a vacation. Actually, I love the first fifteen minutes. You walk in the front door and there is everything familiar. The comfortable sofa. The toilet that won't plug up if you use more than one square of toilet paper. The gas range. (Electric burners suck) Your own bed. Ahhh. Your own stuff.

My parents brought the boys back home for us, and that was the best part of the weekend. It was great to get away from the daily grind of parenting...but I miss them terribly after a day or two.

While The Drool took his morning nap, I caught up on a couple of my favorite sites. The Emperor refers to an article on the Iraqi soldiers trying to surrender before the war starts. Rumor has it that Chirac is pissed, jealous, and may decided to forgo the veto at the next UN resolution vote.

Steve H. over at Little Tiny Lies Fisks away on my favorite victim group: the human shields.

And finally, another reason to be a proud, card-carrying member of PETA.

2003-03-06T11:47:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to write all morning...but The Drool is foiling my every chance. He's learned how to pull himself up to a standing position. I have been following him around trying to prevent falls and learning that I need to baby-proof the house another two feet up from the floor.

The Senator is watching a Winnie-the-Pooh video. He's been exceptionally well-behaved today. Yesterday all TV privileges were revoked because of excessive whining.

This weekend the boys are staying with Grandma and Grandpa while the VP and I go cross-country skiing with some friends. These are friends I have known since high school. It's always a good time, although I have to admit I'm a bit nervous about the VP. If you think I come across as a bit conservative...well, let's just say that the VP can make William F. Buckley Jr. sound like Martha Burke. My friends tend to lean towards the left. Heck, they don't just lean...they dig in their shoulders and push. Doesn't make a bit of difference to me, but if anyone asks if we signed and forwarded the anti-war email petition they sent...the VP may explode. Good thing we're not car-pooling. We're driving separately from the group in our SUV!

Back on Monday!

2003-03-05T08:55:00.000-06:00

For staying up so late, I'm actually feeling pretty good. Last night was the first of my Tuesday night Co-Ed pick-up soccer games. We use a half-field and split up into two teams once everyone arrives. Last night there were about 16 of us. The facility is nice (great turf) and even though Tuesday nights are for the "experienced" players...these are all pretty laid back guys. No one is out for blood or a trophy. Um...did I say guys? Yes, it is co-ed, but last night I represented approximately...oh...100% of the females on the field. It would have been nice to have a few other women, but I didn't mind, and the men didn't seem to either. I didn't embarrass myself - although I think the men tend to take it a little easier on me than each other. Another thing that would be nice: an earlier start time. We play from 10 -11. Yeah, p.m. Adding in my hour drive home...well let's just say the boys might be watching a little TV today.

Or not... I forgot the Senator has school today.

Speaking of school...the VP and I went to our first teacher conference last night. It was rather amusing. We really like Mrs. M., the preschool teacher. She's got no-nonsense and fun wrapped up in a perfect package. She showed us a drawing Henry made of me. You know when you're trying to get your pen to work and you scribble furiously in the same spot? Apparently, that is what I look like. (All these years I've been wasting money on hair cuts.) I think the Crazyweiler has barfed up messes with a closer resemblance. Well...not a fair comparison, I suppose. They are working in different mediums, aren't they?

The overall report was that the Senator's skills have improved since the beginning of the year, and that's great to hear.

And now for something completely different...and very funny...go read Frank!

2003-03-03T09:23:00.000-06:00

If you think you're having a bad day...

The Drool pooped in his high chair this morning. No, I don't mean he pooped his pants while sitting in the high chair. I mean he pooped and it escaped from his diaper and flowed out between his legs and all over the high chair. These d*mn antibiotics! The last dose he had for his chronic ear infection made him runny, but containable. Containment! That's all I ask! I'm a peace-lovin' person. This new drug, however...we might as well have a prune IV hooked up to him.

And how do you start to clean this up without making a bigger mess? I have yet to find the answer. All I can say is that by 8:00 a.m., I had completely bleached and re-bleached the high chair, the kitchen floor, the rest of the kitchen for good measure, the bathroom, the tub, and anything else that may have come within 8 feet of his rear end since it was pulled from ground zero. You could perform surgery on my countertops.

On a humorous note, some of the human shields in Baghdad are starting to flee. Heh, heh, heh. Must. Resist. Urge. To. Taunt. Brave. Human. Shields.

Bwahahaha!

2003-03-01T20:47:00.000-06:00

Oh, man, am I tired of questions. All day long. Ever try to read a book to a kid who interrupts every sentence with a question? It’s all you can do to not pop the book closed on his nose.

One of today’s exercises in frustration was “The Travels of Babar,” by Jean De Brunhoff. Now, this book is rather dry reading anyway, but when you are stopped every other line by a question, you start to feel like Sisyphus...condemned to an eternity of rolling the large rock up the hill only to have it continually roll right back down. You just don't get anywhere.

The Senator did have one question, however, that made the effort worthwhile. After this passage

The cannibals have succeeded in tying up Celeste [the elephant queen] with the clothesline on which the clothes were drying. Some dance with joy, while others have great fun trying on the stolen garments. Celeste sighs sadly, she thinks soon she will be eaten.

he asked, “Why didn’t she fight back, Mom?”

Because she’s French.

Heh, heh, heh. That amused me the rest of the day.

Sheila...go to this post at the Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler to get links on the PETA/chicken holocaust story. Nice set of priorities these folks maintain!